Spring is coming..

Hello blog,

Today here is a very windy day as finally it seems that the earth is starting to thaw out after our long winter.  And thank goodness as it seems like we all had to spent the last few months all bundled up and dashing from building to building to stay warm.  I am so looking forward to Spring.

Along with the warmer weather, Spring always gives me a reason to go through and update the wardrobe.  I am a really bad shopper since there are still many items that I buy and never wear yet I am in the mood to buy more.  I don't know if this is a compulsion of mine, but when the warmer weather comes I inadvertly find myself walking the malls and browsing catalogs with the new season's fashions.

So that is where I found myself the other day, wandering the mall in male form and looking at some of the latest trends.  I got myself caught up at looking at some colorful blouses in an empty store when a the store associate caught my attention. This has happened to me plenty of times, and generally I use the lame excuse of looking for my wife when confronted in the store.  But not this time, I guess something in her made me feel a bit more relaxed and I went ahead and held the blouse up to me to check the sizing.

I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, acceptance or I was testing myself but it did feel so good not to hide the fact inside.  I left the store without buying anything, but did share a pleasant smile and good day with the clerk on the way out.

Someday soon maybe I'll go back as Jaclyn or my other self and try out the dressing rooms.  The warmer weather is coming, and I am in need of some new threads.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

new beginnings

Hello blog,

In a life of ups and downs the past few weeks have been another roller coaster.  I have made alot of changes and hope that I will get a break for awhile. The biggest change being leaving my current work and starting over,which is hard to leave all the friends that I have made at the prior place.  But time to move on..

I've also been working on self-acceptance and spent some time trying to feel good about myself.  I had some free time to let myself be me and it felt really good.  Below are some images since I think it has been awhile since I updated any photos.  I love to look back and see how my image gets better over time.  Unfortunately I did not take a closeup to show the big smile I had letting myself feel free but I think the images show my happiness.

Today is the first day of March so I hope that the spring thaw comes soon as it has been cold far too long. I will try and keep up to date here, but needless to say self-reflection takes alot of ones time.  Wishing everyone out there the best.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Type whatever...

Hello blog,

As I spend my days in flux reading and re-reading so much information out there that I never knew existed, I have been transfixed on understanding more about the Dr. Harry Benjamin type scale no transsexualism.  No doubt it seems like an important piece of literature, I am going to try and spend some time reading his book there   At first overview it seems a bit technical for me to grasp completely, but I have of course gravitated towards his scale diagnosis and trying to figure out where I fit in.

God that is more difficult than it should be.  I think for the most part I am safe to say I am at least 3+ since honestly I feel more and more that I was born with incongruent brain and body parts.  But then is that really what I am hoping for and really I am a 1 or 2? So damn confusing and if I had to guess I would put myself somewhere in the middle groups which seems like a crapshoot group not really committed one way or another. Argh, more inconclusive results as I try and decipher why I am the way I am.

I know that I need to find some balance here, but I really just want someone to tell me to go one way or another and it to be right. I love my family and I love being Jaclyn, why can't that be right.  My physical body says that I am a man and my heart wishes I was a woman. When I think about it, I know little about what being a man is and even less about what being a woman involves. So what do I really know?

Or what is it that I don't know now, perhaps never and will have this confusion to deal with always.  I guess I am type whatever, does that really matter anyways.   As my latest poem states, perhaps I am lost and unable to go.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Unable to Go
Looking for reason in an nonsense world,
Hoping when the outcome is known,
Dry tears down my cheek I let flow,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Never flinching but feeling the pain,
Looking in mirrors but not seeing me,
Feeling different than the reflection it does show,
I wish that wrong wasn't all that I know.

Anger, rage and despair I bottle up inside,

Hope, dreams, and love I desperately hide,

Fear, angst, and confuion impede me from inside,

To take one small step I am completely froze.

I guess I don't know what I want to be,

Why can't I be satisfied with all that I see,

Will I ever quiet these demons that follow me,

Why can't I escape and let them all go?

One more day passes without any resolve,

One more example why I am a lost cause,

One more time I'm unable to move forward so,

I am so lost and unable to go.