Happy Cinco de Mayo blog,
Today started out a bit gloomy but with the sun peeking out I am thinking of taking a nice walk over lunch today. The weather seems to match my mood for the last couple of days as today I am feeling a bit better about things.
As I have written endlessly about, most of my thoughts lately have centered around accepting who I am and then appreciating myself as a person regardless of my looks or other's perceptions of what is right or not. Great ideas to type here and harder to believe but I'm trying, really trying.
This weekend as the weather warmed up I found myself in the closest trying on shorts and looking at my legs. I am really proud of these and find them to be shapely and looking at them made me feel more and more like I was born with the wrong equipment.
You know, it is so hard to explain to spouses, family, counselors what it feels like to look at your legs and imagine how a nice pair of hose may accent them or to look at your fingers and nails and admire their slenderness. I've read about the looking in the mirror and seeing a woman reflecting back at oneself's phenomenon, but I don't how to explain to others when I am standing on top of a mirror trying to tweeze away some unwanted hairs, or squeezing my nose to make it thinner or trying to stretch my chin out to make it more angular why I feel this way.
I have come along way from thinking I was just a mistake or confused or deviant or whatever, and believe that I am more feminine inside than masculine for whatever that counts for. Like how the sun eventually clear out these gloomy skies I feel that knowing this fact helps me deal with the fact that I am going to face another summer season wearing some drab shorts but will not be afraid to let out a bit more of my feminine insides in measured doses. Perhaps I will never find true acceptance unless I just rip that band-aid off completely and just completely come out. That is so hard to think about and too scary to do right now, so I will try and take more baby steps as they come.
Hoping for brighter skies and warmer hugs,
~Jaclyn
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Monday, May 5, 2014
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Spring is coming..
Hello blog,
Today here is a very windy day as finally it seems that the earth is starting to thaw out after our long winter. And thank goodness as it seems like we all had to spent the last few months all bundled up and dashing from building to building to stay warm. I am so looking forward to Spring.
Along with the warmer weather, Spring always gives me a reason to go through and update the wardrobe. I am a really bad shopper since there are still many items that I buy and never wear yet I am in the mood to buy more. I don't know if this is a compulsion of mine, but when the warmer weather comes I inadvertly find myself walking the malls and browsing catalogs with the new season's fashions.
So that is where I found myself the other day, wandering the mall in male form and looking at some of the latest trends. I got myself caught up at looking at some colorful blouses in an empty store when a the store associate caught my attention. This has happened to me plenty of times, and generally I use the lame excuse of looking for my wife when confronted in the store. But not this time, I guess something in her made me feel a bit more relaxed and I went ahead and held the blouse up to me to check the sizing.
I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, acceptance or I was testing myself but it did feel so good not to hide the fact inside. I left the store without buying anything, but did share a pleasant smile and good day with the clerk on the way out.
Someday soon maybe I'll go back as Jaclyn or my other self and try out the dressing rooms. The warmer weather is coming, and I am in need of some new threads.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Today here is a very windy day as finally it seems that the earth is starting to thaw out after our long winter. And thank goodness as it seems like we all had to spent the last few months all bundled up and dashing from building to building to stay warm. I am so looking forward to Spring.
Along with the warmer weather, Spring always gives me a reason to go through and update the wardrobe. I am a really bad shopper since there are still many items that I buy and never wear yet I am in the mood to buy more. I don't know if this is a compulsion of mine, but when the warmer weather comes I inadvertly find myself walking the malls and browsing catalogs with the new season's fashions.
So that is where I found myself the other day, wandering the mall in male form and looking at some of the latest trends. I got myself caught up at looking at some colorful blouses in an empty store when a the store associate caught my attention. This has happened to me plenty of times, and generally I use the lame excuse of looking for my wife when confronted in the store. But not this time, I guess something in her made me feel a bit more relaxed and I went ahead and held the blouse up to me to check the sizing.
I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, acceptance or I was testing myself but it did feel so good not to hide the fact inside. I left the store without buying anything, but did share a pleasant smile and good day with the clerk on the way out.
Someday soon maybe I'll go back as Jaclyn or my other self and try out the dressing rooms. The warmer weather is coming, and I am in need of some new threads.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Saturday, March 1, 2014
new beginnings
Hello blog,
In a life of ups and downs the past few weeks have been another roller coaster. I have made alot of changes and hope that I will get a break for awhile. The biggest change being leaving my current work and starting over,which is hard to leave all the friends that I have made at the prior place. But time to move on..
I've also been working on self-acceptance and spent some time trying to feel good about myself. I had some free time to let myself be me and it felt really good. Below are some images since I think it has been awhile since I updated any photos. I love to look back and see how my image gets better over time. Unfortunately I did not take a closeup to show the big smile I had letting myself feel free but I think the images show my happiness.
Today is the first day of March so I hope that the spring thaw comes soon as it has been cold far too long. I will try and keep up to date here, but needless to say self-reflection takes alot of ones time. Wishing everyone out there the best.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
In a life of ups and downs the past few weeks have been another roller coaster. I have made alot of changes and hope that I will get a break for awhile. The biggest change being leaving my current work and starting over,which is hard to leave all the friends that I have made at the prior place. But time to move on..
I've also been working on self-acceptance and spent some time trying to feel good about myself. I had some free time to let myself be me and it felt really good. Below are some images since I think it has been awhile since I updated any photos. I love to look back and see how my image gets better over time. Unfortunately I did not take a closeup to show the big smile I had letting myself feel free but I think the images show my happiness.
Today is the first day of March so I hope that the spring thaw comes soon as it has been cold far too long. I will try and keep up to date here, but needless to say self-reflection takes alot of ones time. Wishing everyone out there the best.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
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