Dear blog,
Today I feel like I am hitting a new low.
I feel like I am totally losing everything including my sanity and don't know where to turn. I've tried to reach out to my therapist, my family, my virtual friends but nothing is working.
I feel so distraught and anxious and like my life is one big pile of steaming cow manure.
I hate myself and cry and cut trying to get better but nothing helps.
I feel so lost.
I feel so hopeless and tearing up trying to get my thoughts down here right now.
I want so really really really badly just to say f## it world and dress and become the woman I feel is in me.
And I don't want to do that right now really really badly as well.
I am certifiably 100% completely looney tunes nutso. I can find doctors to affirm that.
I just got done cutting my arms and I am still scratching and anxious and need to do more.
God I hate myself so much. And I feel so alone.
Noone in this world really knows the real me and those I've tried to tell reject me for that.
I hate this!!!!
I feel I can't go one and struggle just to make it to the next day. I stare at my sleeping pills or hold a bag over my head or imagine just driving into a wall. I just may do that. So much.
I need to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm so pathethic and alone and afraid and I haven't done anything in my life.
I just don't know anymore.
The personal thoughts in a confused journey
Friday, June 12, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Authenticate
Hello blog,
Yes I am still here despite some of my dire posts recently which I am ashamed about. I still feel somedays really in that dark place and not able to go on much further, but also feel rather silly and foolish for several of my posts.
Anyways, I met with my counselor yesterday and a word that she kept repeating seemed to stick in my warped wee little brain - authenticate. What does that really mean and I am totally lost on what the authentic me really is. I don't think I am alone in that struggle but it is a scary and confusing thing to try and figure out for oneself and even more to accept it.
So that has been what I was thinking of staring at the ceiling last night because I can't honestly remember when last I was able just to go to sleep or have normal thoughts like everyone else. So I wrote this poem about it, and wanted to put it down before I lost my thoughts.
Authenticate
Spend each day pretending to be,
Some acceptable form for people to see,
To much cowardice to accept the real me,
Is it time to authenticate?
Wake each day feeling so hopeless,
Running from mirrors, hiding to dress,
No matter how good, always under duress,
Is it time to authenticate?
Each time I've tried I've only end up scared,
Of things I know not who, when or where,
The truth I hide and never do want to share,
Should I finally come clean?
I'm at my end, I have no other escape,
I've tried to bend but no at my break,
Things I pretend I can no longer fake,
I think its time for me to authenticate.
Authenticate. Authenticate.
To stop pretending to stop being fake.
To stop believing I was born a mistake,
To stop hating myself every move I make,
To stop lying and to accept my eventual fate,
To stop refusing my true self before its too late,
To stop dreaming and time for that first step to take,
I think it is time for me to authenticate. Authenticate.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Yes I am still here despite some of my dire posts recently which I am ashamed about. I still feel somedays really in that dark place and not able to go on much further, but also feel rather silly and foolish for several of my posts.
Anyways, I met with my counselor yesterday and a word that she kept repeating seemed to stick in my warped wee little brain - authenticate. What does that really mean and I am totally lost on what the authentic me really is. I don't think I am alone in that struggle but it is a scary and confusing thing to try and figure out for oneself and even more to accept it.
So that has been what I was thinking of staring at the ceiling last night because I can't honestly remember when last I was able just to go to sleep or have normal thoughts like everyone else. So I wrote this poem about it, and wanted to put it down before I lost my thoughts.
Authenticate
Spend each day pretending to be,
Some acceptable form for people to see,
To much cowardice to accept the real me,
Is it time to authenticate?
Wake each day feeling so hopeless,
Running from mirrors, hiding to dress,
No matter how good, always under duress,
Is it time to authenticate?
Each time I've tried I've only end up scared,
Of things I know not who, when or where,
The truth I hide and never do want to share,
Should I finally come clean?
I'm at my end, I have no other escape,
I've tried to bend but no at my break,
Things I pretend I can no longer fake,
I think its time for me to authenticate.
Authenticate. Authenticate.
To stop pretending to stop being fake.
To stop believing I was born a mistake,
To stop hating myself every move I make,
To stop lying and to accept my eventual fate,
To stop refusing my true self before its too late,
To stop dreaming and time for that first step to take,
I think it is time for me to authenticate. Authenticate.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Why continue?
Hello blog,
I know its been awhile since I last wrote, but really I have lost most of my interest in this. I just feel like I need somewhere to talk and vent this morning so I have reverted back here.
I spent some time last night looking at myself in the mirror until I felt that sickly feeling inside and could no longer stand it anymore. I know that I hate myself in terms of the way I look on the outside, but last night I realized I totally hate myself on the inside much more. I think that's what really made me curl up and hide away and cry and then hate more for being that way. My life is such a farce and a waste and I am so unable to ever get better. Therapy doesn't work, pills don't and pretending that it will all pass and get better is another lie that I try hold on to for naught. I've had someone tell me that I need to just make a decision and go from there and I have, I am not going to keep going for much longer at all. It is just bleak, pathetic and a total waste to pretend otherwise. So I'm giving up, I don't care and screw everything else that I've royally made a mess of in this life.
Right now, I am trying to decide which way to end it which of course being as indecisive as me means making a long list and then contemplating the right one over and over. I want to avoid anything that would cause someone else to feel bad about (i.e walking into traffic, jumping in front of a train) and I think guns are the worst things in the world so that may limit some options. Still there are so many ways that come to mind that I spent last night awake thinking about. Here are the ones that I have so I can make sure I look and chose the right path
1. Probably my favorite right now, is a tasty mix of wine, sleeping pills and a warm bath. Sounds so pleasant and peaceful
2. My romantic idea - drive all the way out to California or somewhere and just jump off a pier far from land. As the sun goes down so do I
3. Take a quick fall from a high place somewhere. I am thinking I would chicken out from this one.
4. Here's an old favorite popularized by Socrates, mix myself up some hemlock and water and find an old tree to fall asleep under philospying
5. Drive headlong into a barrier or something. This one comes to mind when driving home some nights.
6. The Robin Williams way - a belt or bag of something to cut off the old breathing. If it worked for Popeye and Ms. Doubtfire why not me
7. Light up the night, go to a gas station and drench myself in gasoline and have a cigarette.
8. Pretend to fall down the stairs by taking a swan dive - worried that I may only hurt myself with this one
9. Rock and roll method - go find a good fix of something good and overdo it. Worked for Janice and Jimi.
10. Death by cop - just need to figure out how to have them shoot me. Probably violates my rule about making someone feel bad about killing me
11. Toast and suds - take the toaster with me to a bath
12. Slash - The old fashion wrist cuts - I haven't gone deep enough before but I am thinking it would feel good to do that
13. Park and snooze - sleeping pills, a running car and a garage. Damn we drive hybrid vehicles so they would probably shut off before stopping. Maybe I can rent an older car for this.
14. Kill myself to drink - via leaving las vegas - just go a drinking only bender there for a month. Could be fun.
15. Tasty treat - I sure I can find something good to mix with some brownies or cake or whatnot that would do the trick.
16. Clean the pipes - I quick shot or tow of liquid plumber should do the trcik. Might be hard to swallow, should I just inject it instead
17. Break my neck - is it possible for someone to do this to themselves. It seems like a simple thing in some of those action spy movies to do that I think you could do this somehow.
18. Hug a electrical wire - or something like that. I am sure if I look I could find somewhere to do this. Perhaps a shower before hand to help the old current out, I think it would smell afterwards though
19. Into the wild - travel somewhere remote and just stay there until the end. Kind of a good idea I could bring a feel journals to pass the time away as I do
20. Clean up - A good mixture of bleach and ammonia should do the trick. Spend some time with my head in the bucket for good there
21. Charcoal - I heard a good grilling in someplace closed should make for pleasant dreams
22. Grand canyon - probably a variation of above but someplace I am told is grand and not hard to "accidently" fall over the edge
23. Natural disaster - is this possible - chase down a tornado and go to it. Probably too hollywood and tough to time
24. Man-made disaster - I am sure a surbubanite like me would have no probably going into the inner city and upsetting the wrong crowd. A few insults towards a gang member should work
25. Stroke out - is it possible to induce a heart attack or stroke. I would think if you work hard enough you could do something but have to worry about involuntary responses here.
Well, I am a bit disappointed that I thought I had more than 25 ideas last night but maybe some of these are variations on a theme. Nonetheless, this gives me a good starting point to contemplate for later. I wonder if there is a suicide for dummies book I can find.
I know its been awhile since I last wrote, but really I have lost most of my interest in this. I just feel like I need somewhere to talk and vent this morning so I have reverted back here.
I spent some time last night looking at myself in the mirror until I felt that sickly feeling inside and could no longer stand it anymore. I know that I hate myself in terms of the way I look on the outside, but last night I realized I totally hate myself on the inside much more. I think that's what really made me curl up and hide away and cry and then hate more for being that way. My life is such a farce and a waste and I am so unable to ever get better. Therapy doesn't work, pills don't and pretending that it will all pass and get better is another lie that I try hold on to for naught. I've had someone tell me that I need to just make a decision and go from there and I have, I am not going to keep going for much longer at all. It is just bleak, pathetic and a total waste to pretend otherwise. So I'm giving up, I don't care and screw everything else that I've royally made a mess of in this life.
Right now, I am trying to decide which way to end it which of course being as indecisive as me means making a long list and then contemplating the right one over and over. I want to avoid anything that would cause someone else to feel bad about (i.e walking into traffic, jumping in front of a train) and I think guns are the worst things in the world so that may limit some options. Still there are so many ways that come to mind that I spent last night awake thinking about. Here are the ones that I have so I can make sure I look and chose the right path
1. Probably my favorite right now, is a tasty mix of wine, sleeping pills and a warm bath. Sounds so pleasant and peaceful
2. My romantic idea - drive all the way out to California or somewhere and just jump off a pier far from land. As the sun goes down so do I
3. Take a quick fall from a high place somewhere. I am thinking I would chicken out from this one.
4. Here's an old favorite popularized by Socrates, mix myself up some hemlock and water and find an old tree to fall asleep under philospying
5. Drive headlong into a barrier or something. This one comes to mind when driving home some nights.
6. The Robin Williams way - a belt or bag of something to cut off the old breathing. If it worked for Popeye and Ms. Doubtfire why not me
7. Light up the night, go to a gas station and drench myself in gasoline and have a cigarette.
8. Pretend to fall down the stairs by taking a swan dive - worried that I may only hurt myself with this one
9. Rock and roll method - go find a good fix of something good and overdo it. Worked for Janice and Jimi.
10. Death by cop - just need to figure out how to have them shoot me. Probably violates my rule about making someone feel bad about killing me
11. Toast and suds - take the toaster with me to a bath
12. Slash - The old fashion wrist cuts - I haven't gone deep enough before but I am thinking it would feel good to do that
13. Park and snooze - sleeping pills, a running car and a garage. Damn we drive hybrid vehicles so they would probably shut off before stopping. Maybe I can rent an older car for this.
14. Kill myself to drink - via leaving las vegas - just go a drinking only bender there for a month. Could be fun.
15. Tasty treat - I sure I can find something good to mix with some brownies or cake or whatnot that would do the trick.
16. Clean the pipes - I quick shot or tow of liquid plumber should do the trcik. Might be hard to swallow, should I just inject it instead
17. Break my neck - is it possible for someone to do this to themselves. It seems like a simple thing in some of those action spy movies to do that I think you could do this somehow.
18. Hug a electrical wire - or something like that. I am sure if I look I could find somewhere to do this. Perhaps a shower before hand to help the old current out, I think it would smell afterwards though
19. Into the wild - travel somewhere remote and just stay there until the end. Kind of a good idea I could bring a feel journals to pass the time away as I do
20. Clean up - A good mixture of bleach and ammonia should do the trick. Spend some time with my head in the bucket for good there
21. Charcoal - I heard a good grilling in someplace closed should make for pleasant dreams
22. Grand canyon - probably a variation of above but someplace I am told is grand and not hard to "accidently" fall over the edge
23. Natural disaster - is this possible - chase down a tornado and go to it. Probably too hollywood and tough to time
24. Man-made disaster - I am sure a surbubanite like me would have no probably going into the inner city and upsetting the wrong crowd. A few insults towards a gang member should work
25. Stroke out - is it possible to induce a heart attack or stroke. I would think if you work hard enough you could do something but have to worry about involuntary responses here.
Well, I am a bit disappointed that I thought I had more than 25 ideas last night but maybe some of these are variations on a theme. Nonetheless, this gives me a good starting point to contemplate for later. I wonder if there is a suicide for dummies book I can find.
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