Stuck in-between

Hello blog,

You know that every time I think I've figured something out I start analyzing all the what-ifs of the situation and end up back where I started.  Sort of like a turtle that has been flipped on her back that pushes and pushes to right its way up but slips and ends up spinning on her hind side again.  

Right now, the urge and the desire to quit faking my life and follow the t word (transition dare I speak it) is pulling strong inside of me.  Emotionally I want to push my chips all in and just go for it, logically I sit here and ponder the absurdity and if I have the strength to do that. 

I just spent last week at a work conference playing conservative business man during the day only to change each night and see the town as Jaclyn.  And I felt so much better and comfortable being Jaclyn that going back has been really really hard.  I broke down the last day just thinking that this was coming and haven't fully recovered from that yet.  I honestly want to run away and start anew and true and as Jaclyn but lack the fortitude to take this step.  I so look up to all the trans-sisters before me that have done just that and would love to talk with them to understand if the gains far exceeded the losses in their lives at this step.

I still don't know who I am and where I fall in the gender line besides somewhere in-between male and female.  I think I really want that line to be female and dream about that every night. If only I had a fairy godmother to make things all right.

Here are a few shots of my new hair style and my time out in Vegas for me to remember.  Each day I feel closer and closer to making my dreams come true.

Hugs & Kisses, Jaclyn

pink fog?

Good morning blog,
I think one of the things about dealing with a life of gender dsyphoria is that you tend to read a ton of books, blogs, websites, etc. of others whom have gone down this path before.
Lately I have been dealing with the issue others have termed the 'pink fog'.  Meaning that after being able to feel free and wonderful and spend time as Jaclyn, I am really struggling with the transition back to my 'normal' life again.
Really inside right now I want to not do that.
I am so so tired of playing this charade with others, I feel so fake and ungenuine trying to be what others want me to be.
I only want to be Jaclyn.  Just typing these words makes me feel warm and good inside. There is so much that I want and have no plans or idea how to get there but I want to.  I feel inside that I need to as I feel the other life is choking me away.
Am I totally crazy?  How do I start this conversation with friends, with co-workers with anyone else outside?
I look in the mirror and it feels so revolting and just thinking about it burns me inside.
I need some help, I just don't know how to do that.

Enjoying the summer

Good morning blog,

I wanted to write a few words today as I am in a better mood here.  I've had the opportunity to enjoy some me time over the past few weeks and have found it very refreshing.  I know I am going to struggle over the next few weeks as my schedule gets busy and time difficult, but for today I am enjoying the high of just being me.  For all the women out there that are strong enough to face this each day I still stand in so much awe, and still don't have the fortitude to endure that as much I would dream.

One of the things I enjoy most is going shopping and trying out different looks.  This past week I went for a longer dress and attempt at a classy look.  No I still don't pull it off but I'll keep practicing until I do.

Anyways, here's to the coming last few weeks of the summer and I'll try to enjoy them if I can.
Hugs, Jaclyn