Start of my journey

Good morning blog,

Today marks a new start for me or at least a new restart here. 

You know I have been struggling and fighting and resisting and crying and just about going out of my wits dealing with my gender identity issues for almost 40 years here.  I have gotten to the point where I feel hopeless and then a new sunrise appears.  I have felt alone and frightened, then I find friendship and warmth.  I have decided that instead of fighting, I am accepting.

You know the saying that a journey of thousands of miles starts with a small step, well I have decided to start HRT again.  Of course I don't have any answers and have no clue where my journey leads, and it seems like I am literally going to have to walk to Tibet to get answers or change there.

But this feels right.  The warm familiar embrace of the first estrogen pill dissolving felt like a homecoming to me. I really want to transition, need to transition or I don't know what else.  I know that I need alot of help here and will try to take each day one at a time but can't help but look ahead down the road and dream.

I dream of day of being free to be me.  I so want that day to come.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

a new start?

Starting over...again.
Or at least I hope that it is not completely from the beginning. 
IMO, I think anyone that battles lifelong with their gender identity and norms of society probably has multiple starts and stops along the way.  At least I hope that I am more 'normal' in one respect this way.
Jaclyn has this voice deep inside me that seems to grow stronger and stronger at times.  I can feel these times are overtaking me once again and holding out is beyond my control.
I took a brave step today and made a new appointment to discuss hrt and how to transition at the clinic.  That will be in less than 2 weeks.
I am so excited, scared, nervous and excited about things.
I am looking for the start of something good and making me whole.
Not sure what that all is - freedom, angst, peace, love, confusion.
I am going to ask for so much hope, and pray that taking this small step today will lead me to other larger ones.
Hugs,
Jaclyn

New eyes

Good morning blog,

It has been a few days since my last posting here as I have been trying not to spend too much time online.  The reason being is that I finally got up the guts to go through with laser eye correction and have tried not to stare at a screen too much.

It is now almost two weeks since and it still feels wonderful to not need those pesky spectacles every second of the day.  A day after the procedure I spent some time trying on outfits and looking at myself in a full length mirror without glasses and seeing myself not blurry.  That was a very liberating and happy moment and I can't wait for the next opportunity to go out.

For my next outing, I have a few ideas and have been discussing taking steps to someday transition with my counselor again.  Its hard living when your mind and heart disagree and I still feel the pull each day to live authentically and damn the personal costs that would incur.  I'm hoping that my new eyes will help me see straight enough to make the right decision soon.

Hugs,
Jaclyn