bottom

I'm turning here to write because I am unable to turn to anywhere else. Today I have no motivation to live anymore and just feel completely dead inside. I take that back, I don't really feel anything inside but just a hollow shell. I have no sense of identity, no sense of being and no idea what I am or want. I've tried to explain this to people and they don't really listen but try to argue more with me until I lash out in anger and hopelessness that it will ever get any better. It won't bacause I can't let it and I can't control why I am this way. I am just broken, worthless and at my end. I don't have anywhere to turn to anymore but just to sit her and cry in the misery I wrought. I know what I need to do but just can't take that final step. I don't know anything anymore.

Last Post

Hello and good bye blog, I have not been writing much lately because I have been depressed, anxious, sad and just not able to make many coherent thoughts. Today however writing for me is simple because I have peace, solitude, acceptance of my plan ahead. I am coming up on the nine year anniversary of coming out as Jaclyn and it has been a tumultuous nine years since that date. I have had many experiences, shared thoughts and opinions with others, spent time analyzing things in therapy, and even reached out for medical assistance. Really in the end I am no further than what I was nine years ago and just have a lot of sorrow and regret for what could have been. But that is passed now, instead of bouts of non-controllable crying I know just have silent thoughts and no more tears. My commitment to my family and others is complete, I hoped to be around a little longer to celebrate a bit but things are taken care of so that everyone can function independently and even have some reserves that I have put aside for them financially. I am now starting to disperse of some of those token objects that I foolishly once covetted and to say my final good byes. I have already started down that list and know it is time to say good bye to this blog and my delusional fantasy world as Jaclyn and to cross that off the list. It feels comforting to have an exit plan and final date all set. In the sweet words of others I am finally coming home and going to drown out all the noise. Good bye blog and thank you for being there for me. Jaclyn

feeling sad

 Hello blog,

I am feeling really down, defeated and hopeless in the world today.  I have chronic depression according to the medical diagnostic terminology, and literally it feels like it is crushing me today.

I don't know how to end this depression and no it is not as simple as shutting down that little voice inside my head.  I feel alone and sad and nothing can fix that void I feel inside of me.  I hate my body and my inability to change or accept it, I hate my personality and my inability to brighten or improve that, and I hate the fact that I have nothing better to look forward to but to have these feelings for the rest of my life.

I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either.  I am crying, I am pathetic and I feel like there is no one I can talk to.  I tried that and either made people upset or wanting to commit me for feeling the way I do.   

I feel that deep down pain inside my chest and lump in my throat and all I want to do is clutch a pillow, curl up in a ball and cry.  Alone. Nothing nothing nothing fucking ever gets better.  That is just shit that people say that don't understand.  I hurt so much right now and feel so cut off from anyone else.

Depression sucks but life is much worse for me.