My gender story (Part 6 - Struggle to make any sense)

My gender story (con't)

In my previous postings, I tried to recap alot of my internal thoughts and feeling associated with the events that seemed to bring me forward and backward when dealing with my appearance and gender.  I first grew up struggling with confusion and dislike with my body while living in a conservative environment and developed hostile shame and guilt feelings towards myself for having these thoughts.  My perverted sense of self had me avoiding relationships and repressing things for a long time until afterwards.  When I had these confusing feelings towards my gender and body to the point that I needed to research, I found that the world had changed and so much more information and opportunities were now available.  This brought on an obsessive period of self-exploration and self-determination that in the end proved destructive and may not be completely correct.  After recovering from that disaster, I was drawn again into exploration and actions that I feel guilty and ashamed of.  Combining my prior self-hate, low esteem, shame and guilt brought me to the edge of depression and where suicide seemed like the only answer from there.  Picking up from my recovery of a forced hospitalization and intensive ordered therapy would be the next stage in my saga.

It was not an easy time post my suicidal low point for me.  While I didn't have any idea why I couldn't stop my racing thoughts about my gender expression and body hate, I looked at the different sessions and medications as a possible answer for questions I didn't know how to ask.  I went through several therapists and several different anti-depressants during this time without anything providing any relief.  I stopped dressing and going out for a bit as I tried to control myself from going around the destructive cycle that always seemed to end up with bad results.  I tend to be a dweller on things, and more that I dwelled the more the self hate grew inside me.

I got rid of majority of clothes many times but never was able to get rid of everything.  I feel like this is like not really putting out a forest fire but leaving hot ashes that may smolder and eventually flare up again and again.  

I would sometimes go out but I started to feel the shame and guilt come on before even getting out the front door now.   I tried self questioning with therapists and even dressing and presenting as Jaclyn with them but the moment I removed the clothes, the shame and guilt stomped on me.  I felt more and more like a total fraud with my family and with myself, and the self-image disgust got me feeling physically ill when looking at myself in a mirror.

Covid-19 came and that pretty much destroyed most social chances and stopped my dressing as was never alone at home anymore.  I started cutting and self-abuse rather rapidly and the hopelessness and depression felt so heavy on top of me.   This led to another forced intensive hospitalization as self-harm and depression felt like the only answers.   

Again, I think this was mostly a stop gap as I feel like it was treating symptoms and not the disease.  I know that my negativity is to blame, but it left me with more unanswered questions than feeling like I had a path forward.

This pretty much is the point where I am currently struggling with.  I have pretty much stopped going outside dressed as Jaclyn at this time.  I continue to struggle with my body image and self-hate, and feel disgusted with myself even thinking about it while I write here.  Hidden locked away from anyone, I will occasionally give in and get out my clothes and makeup and pretend, but the shame and guilt is suffocating anymore.  

I've started trying to write and explore what I am since I don't feel like any label can really capture me and my actions.  I feel so lonely and hopeless on most days, and the depression and suicidal ideation is my constant companion always.  I'm trying to open up to therapists and others, but I feel so defensive and unable to really trust anyone to give that any chance of success.

I don't have any positive outlook on my future trajectory as I feel like there is no hope of turning around anymore.  I feel foolish, pathetic, sick, disgusting and without really any positive traits in my introverted world I have created.   My life does not have any fairy tale endings, and I struggle just to appreciate how fortunate I have things and my family that has been stayed by me through all the crap I have offered up.

I don't know what the next chapter will be, as I continue to struggle to make sense of this and all the prior ones.  For now, I am going to sign off, but will continue to be here processing and hurting in silence.

Until I have another chapter to write,

Jaclyn  

Thoughts of a failure

 Thoughts of a failure:

Its been almost a dozen years since my coming out disaster and all the struggles and lately I have been feeling the failures of myself piling up like a large snow pile at the end of winter. The pile just seems to keep getting larger and larger and hope for it disappearing seems impossible at that time.

I've been thinking of all the self inflicted disasters that real or perceived I feel keep following me around. I feel like a real fraud, a drama queen, an epic failure.  

In short I am not proud of myself and there is nothing worthwhile I feel inside of me. I write anonymously in my blog or in a diary because I can't even talk about how pathetic I feel to others without the amount of shame becoming all-consuming and stealing my voice. I am feeling so low right now typing out these words and knowing how pathetic I am.

So what else to do?

I've been trying to write and talk some more with my soul mate as sort of a second coming out of sorts.  I am trying to apologize for how the first time I sprung all these surprises and made so many assumptions that someone else would understand and accept without shock, anger, sadness on what changes this would mean for our life together.  I am trying to forgive some of the intense hurtful words and actions that came up as a reaction which is so hard to discern between what someone doesn't mean to say and what they really do feel during stressful times.

I want to apologize for the shame and disgust and self-loathing I feel each day and my failure in being able to move past this and accept the truth on what I am.  I know that talking about these things makes life at home uncomfortable and really has no benefit.  I am trying to detail in the letter how I hate myself so much more just having these feelings and when I dress or shave body hair or browse clothing and pretend to be something I am not, how much pain and hurt I cause myself and want to apologize to them. 

I still think about suicide many times every single day as I way to escape and while it may hurt my family in the short term it would be less hurtful for them than the long-term humiliation of having a freak like me if word ever got out.  Again, I am so sorry for being pathetic and weak and in so many ways not being what they need from me.

I've been trying to write out all of this and what to do about things and it just ends up in a whinny, nonsensical listing of all my failures and apologies for being me and I ball it up and toss it in the trash.  I've tried and tried again here and I don't have any direction or logic or able to put things down in writing.

In other words, I feel like I am a failure at even describing how much of a failure I am.  

I'm not writing this for any sympathy, I just feel beaten down to the point that there is no hope of things ever turning around. 

I feel beaten down past the point where I can protest or logic past anymore.

I feel beaten down and numb for any hope of happiness and have given up.

I am ashamed at all of this because on the surface I have nothing to complain about, I am fortunate compared to so so many others out there in this world that may problems seem like nothing compared to what they deal with each day.

I know that my end will come at my hands and it is not a matter of if but rather a matter of how and when.  This darkness is all my tunnel vision can see anymore and the thought seems more welcoming to me every day that I trudge along.

This probably will not be the end but another failure to add to my snow pile that will never melt.  I am wishing for the frostbite so that I no longer have to feel the cold.

My time

 

There's a moment of time right now that is gone before it is known,

There's a moment in this life when choices are made with answers unknown,

There's a moment in this world when it is spinning too fast for you to hold on,

I am just giving up and stop trying to belong.

My life is filled with hidden emptiness and despair from all others,

I cannot be feel love as every time it is too much the cost,

I cannot be vulnerable as every time I have I have just lost,

And I cannot hope anymore for a different tomorrow.

I am sad, I am alone, 

I am in this world that doesn't want me

And values me more not being here anymore.

I see rain and I'm glad the sun is gone,

I see pain and I'm comforted by its familiarity,

I see tears and I'm confused why I have none.

There's a moment when the hiding needs to end,

There's a moment when pretending is not your friend,

There's a moment when the value of your life is worth less than the pain of its loss,

That moment is every time for me.