holidays approaching

Good monday morning blog,

This week officially starts the holiday season with a busy schedule of Thanksgiving / Hannukah / Christams kick-off slated for the end of the week.  I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed at how everything gets crammed together here, but mostly I have lots of anxiety dealing with family and reconcilation.

Ever since my "coming out" this past year, it has felt really awkward being around my wfe's family. While they say they are supportive and accepting, it still seems like there is an air of cautiousness and unease when I am around in a casual setting with them.  It hurts me sometimes that I think my sister-in-law feels a bit apprehensive and worried of me being around my niece. I guess I can understand that is natural protection instinct on her part, I just wonder if this is start of me drifting further and further away and that makes me sad.

I also have lots of anxieties and issues to work out with my family, not the least of with is accepting that I am definitely not the son they wanted and that's ok.  With Thanksgiving and my Mom's birthday coming up I fell into that guilt trap and send her a bouquet of flowers today.  I wish that I could be closer to her and actually share more, but those things are just empty wishes.

I could really use a warm hug right now and for someone to tell me things are going to be ok.  I did some shopping last week and added to my replenshing wardrobe by adding a cute black dress and a nice causal blouse.  I even tried to expand my color palette by accesorizing with a colorful scarf, which pleasantly suprised me how it helped accent the outfit.  There is a holiday party here in Chicago that I would absolutely love to go to and wear this outfit out to, but that is not possible in the current situation.  I feel like Cinderella waiting on my fairy godmother but I know that fantasy tale is another empty wish of mine.  So I will hunker down and make do keeping up the pretense for another holiday, and perhaps next year will be a different season.

Wishing everyone out there a Happy Thanksgiving.  I am really thankful that I don't have to worry about alot of things in my life that others deal with each day, and we will do our best to help with the local food pantry again for a small token to help those out there.

Hugs,
~jaclyn

Somewhere in between

Finally it appears the storm clouds that have been with us this weekend are breaking up and another crisp, chilly November sky looms overhead.  I've been doing alot of soul searching and deep thinking lately so that has spurred on several poetic outbursts from me. The other day I noticed a woman wearing a pair of very cute knee high boots and then felt ashamed when I went to approach her to ask her where she got them from. I wish I knew why I have these thoughts or understood them better, but I feel I guess I have to keep struggling with them for awhile before anything makes sense.  I have been doing some reading on the gender binary and what that means so that inspired the poem below.  Hope you enjoy.

Hugs,
~Jaclyn

Somewhere in between

The closest door clicks,
                             I venture out,
                                               Into confusion, I wander about,

Glance in mirror,
                       Perplexed just to see,
                                                 Hating myself, for just being me,
                                                                         
Trying to love,
                     Trying not to be ashamed,
                                                   Eyes stinging and burning, my cries in vain,


Wish I knew why,
                           These need that I feel,
                                                  Thinking I'm wrong, thinking I'm not real

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I've spend my whole life, pretending to be,
Someone people can accept, someone they'll see,
With deep hate for myself, for being born this way,
My softness true insides, I mask and hide away,
This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside my two souls long to be free.

Sometimes I feel,
                       On the side of a cliff,
                                                   Dangling and scrambling, with no relief,

No safety rope,
                    I can't return back,
                                               Afraid of ahead, of accepting the fact,

Should I just let go,
                            And accept a hard landing,
                                                      Or will it be soft, and understanding,

I'm frozen in place,
                         Struggling to hold up my weight,
                                                      Until the time comes for my inevitable fate,

I'm struggling to try and live somewhere in between.

Where I have been, what I struggle to be,
Is all just a ruse, a pretense I let others see,
Would anyone notice, would anyone care,

If instead of all this, I just wasn't there,

This gender binary, its so hard to achieve,
Somewhere inside, my two souls long to be free.

So I look up ahead,
                  And I look back behind,
                                         For some clear vision, to uncloud my mind,

I don't trust my past,
                  Everything feels like one big mistake,
                                         I consistently go the wrong, no matter the choice I make,

I'm feeling so lost,
                 Just an empty shell,
                                   A prisioner to this facade, I know to well,

My desperate pleas,
                 I hang in the air,
                                   No matter what rescue comes, I'll move nowhere,

Instead I'll sit and I'll cry,
                 Eyes stinging back tears,
                                    Pathethic and miserable, alone with my fears,

And this is just all,
                  I've ever learned how to be,
                                     Somewhere in between, trapped inside of me.

This is the burden of trying to live somewhere in between.

I am just a lose, a hubub, a fraud,
My misery I pretend will magically dissolve,
I am just to blame, for not speaking up,
I'm destined to this enternity, unless I learn to step up,
This gender binary, I hate the notion of this you see,
Instead of one choice, I want both to reconcile within me.

Latest pics

Hi blog,

Yes it has been a busy past week with family here so I haven't had much of a chance to capture my thoughts down here in electronic form.  Not to say I haven't been busy, I have been writing and thinking and contemplating alot about myself and trying to decide where I am going.  As my counselor says perhaps I am trying to rush into things too quickly but the sitting around and sorting things out has not been my cup of tea.

As I have been so upset at myself for my latest purge, I am already finding it hard not to pick up an item or two and I am on my way to rebuilding again.  I miss my auburn hair but I am getting used to my new mid-length look and actually liking the new look.

This week's session was a tough one and basically devolved into me trying to not be so ashamed of myself and to start from there.  That is a very tough lesson for me and I am so in awe of all my fellow transgender sisters and brothers out there that seem to have it so much more together. I'm trying each day to get a bit further along there, but I feel so painfully slow along this path.  Someday perhaps my little steps will amount to a large distance, but still I need to let go of the railing to actually move forward I believe.

Anywho, I decided to take some Jaclyn time even though it was a fleeting few moments in between a busy time.  I've tried to capture some pics to help me feel better of myself, I know that I need so much work and I really rushed the makeup and could use some tweezing for the brows, and so forth, but nonetheless here I am today.  I hope someday I will look back a wonderfully beautiful woman and even more than that is that I will feel and know that beautiful feeling on the inside.

Ciao for now.  Hugs,
~Jacki