It has been a long hiatus for writing as I was going through some personal crisis once again. I don't know I get myself so far down the road and not learn any better, but I guess some habits are hard to break.
The biggest one is not being me. This past week I had some time to spend in touch with myself and it was wonderful. Just the coming down from it is so very hard that I need to write to remember my highs.
I got a chance to do a little shopping, work on putting some outfits together and to go out to a club and mingle with some other local girls. It was pure bliss of the freedom to be myself and to feel good. It was my second time out with the local group and everyone was so understanding and nice. It is so good not to feel alone and even better to be able to share it person with another understanding and caring soul. I talked with another girl and saw pictures of her at the pride parade last month. How incredible that experience would be!
Even better than my night out though was my personal day that I took off and spent the entire day as Jaclyn. I am still crying inside on how incredible that felt.
It was so nice to wake up, get out my clothes, shower and get dressed for the day as Jaclyn. I did a little work and then went out and drove around a bit. I had made a redezvous with another girl for the afternoon and that was fantastic. She was so very sweet and made me tear up when seeing her for the first time she brought me some flowers and shared some heartfelt wishes to make the day wonderful. I could hardly believe anyone could do something for someone as me and it was so unexpected. We meet in a local hotel and talked a bit on our past experiences and how difficult it was to move beyond closed doors. We tried on some outfits together and helped each work on some fashion tips, looked at some pictures and talked and talked. There is something being with someone else that shares the same fears, the same feelings of having to keep yourself hidden from the world that when you connect it feels like all emotions flowing out at once. She was so sweet and caring and I only wish I could return a bit of how great she made me feel.
After our experience, I felt emotionally spent so I drove around a bit and ended up a park to sit and reflect. Once of the things I thought most about was how I would need to put Jaclyn away again for awhile and how much that hurt. I don't know why I push myself for that high because coming down just tears me up inside. Today is rough transitioning back to world where Jaclyn hides from and I never know how much longer I can keep this up. I wish I knew what to do, but I will try to lift up my chin and shoulder on I guess.
In the meantime, I am going to attach some pictures from my week so I can come back here to reflect and feel the warmth of the memories of a fun week of freedom.
Hugs,
Jaclyn
Pic of me out with the local group
