stuck

Hello blog.

I know its been a long time for me to write, but the truth be told I have struggled with just making it through to another day and writing seems so taxing at times.

Today I am reminiscing on the fact that it has been over 10 years since I came out to my significant other and really feel like that was the biggest mistake of my life.  I don't have any progress to report except backward and several hospitalizations and failed therapy and drugs to show for it.

I just feel like I am in the bottom of a seemingly endlessly tall pit and there is never going to be any way out. I'm sorry if that is not the cheery, hopeful, positive attitude we are supposed to exhibit but I have no idea how to change.

I feel totally empty inside.  I used to cry all the time but now there are no tears or emotions just me telling myself to cry.  To give up. To just let go of the never ending hell that each day of my existence brings.

Sorry I didn't mean to get so dark but anyone who offers hope I am going to defecate all over them. I am so tired of pretending to be fine, to be getting better, to be happy in my privileged position in this world.

Frankly I feel I don't want anything out of this world, but as my multiple therapists have told me, I have an internal safety switch so I can rely on that to keep me around.  I just don't know what being around does for me anymore.

I'm going to try to write more and be more uplifting, but I also don't want to be fake to my true feelings here.  I just don't know...    

hopeless

How do you deal with waking up each day with a body that you have so much hate towards and a physical appearance that you obsess over how vile it is. Having the only love of your life to be embarrassed and ashamed of you to the point of any little thing being a passive comment of how wrong you are. Knowing that this is not healthy but also knowing you’d rather die than to be alone and apart of them. This pain and stress continues to wear me down each day to the point there is no way out. I hate this life and so jealous of you who have your s&it together here. I am a horrible mistake.

Struggle Within

Just came across an old poem of mine that still resonates with me and I wanted to publish it here before losing it again. 

Struggle Within 

I stare deeply off to the far horizon 

Watery vision only comes to me 

I wonder why I can never move forward 

I wonder why I can never be free

It hurts so deeply, so quietly within 

I feel so alone, a freak to hide away 

To be a shame for those I love

To be a false promise to them each day

I don't fit into boxes, I don't comply at all 

I don't really know where to begin

Each day the battle rages on, 

An eternal struggle within 

At day end I run away 

Lack the courage to make a change 

To become the real me 

Instead of this foolish charade

I desperately need some tender shoulder to embrace 

Some caring hand to direct the right way 

I've gone down so many wrong turns that I'm turned all about

This is the hell that I am destined to stay 

On the verge of giving up 

I keep hoping for sun 

Praying for this circle to break 

Praying for somewhere to run

I can't keep inside the pain I feel much longer 

And the fear that I am just a mistake

I struggle each day within myself

Too much for me to take.