Thoughts of a failure

 Thoughts of a failure:

Its been almost a dozen years since my coming out disaster and all the struggles and lately I have been feeling the failures of myself piling up like a large snow pile at the end of winter. The pile just seems to keep getting larger and larger and hope for it disappearing seems impossible at that time.

I've been thinking of all the self inflicted disasters that real or perceived I feel keep following me around. I feel like a real fraud, a drama queen, an epic failure.  

In short I am not proud of myself and there is nothing worthwhile I feel inside of me. I write anonymously in my blog or in a diary because I can't even talk about how pathetic I feel to others without the amount of shame becoming all-consuming and stealing my voice. I am feeling so low right now typing out these words and knowing how pathetic I am.

So what else to do?

I've been trying to write and talk some more with my soul mate as sort of a second coming out of sorts.  I am trying to apologize for how the first time I sprung all these surprises and made so many assumptions that someone else would understand and accept without shock, anger, sadness on what changes this would mean for our life together.  I am trying to forgive some of the intense hurtful words and actions that came up as a reaction which is so hard to discern between what someone doesn't mean to say and what they really do feel during stressful times.

I want to apologize for the shame and disgust and self-loathing I feel each day and my failure in being able to move past this and accept the truth on what I am.  I know that talking about these things makes life at home uncomfortable and really has no benefit.  I am trying to detail in the letter how I hate myself so much more just having these feelings and when I dress or shave body hair or browse clothing and pretend to be something I am not, how much pain and hurt I cause myself and want to apologize to them. 

I still think about suicide many times every single day as I way to escape and while it may hurt my family in the short term it would be less hurtful for them than the long-term humiliation of having a freak like me if word ever got out.  Again, I am so sorry for being pathetic and weak and in so many ways not being what they need from me.

I've been trying to write out all of this and what to do about things and it just ends up in a whinny, nonsensical listing of all my failures and apologies for being me and I ball it up and toss it in the trash.  I've tried and tried again here and I don't have any direction or logic or able to put things down in writing.

In other words, I feel like I am a failure at even describing how much of a failure I am.  

I'm not writing this for any sympathy, I just feel beaten down to the point that there is no hope of things ever turning around. 

I feel beaten down past the point where I can protest or logic past anymore.

I feel beaten down and numb for any hope of happiness and have given up.

I am ashamed at all of this because on the surface I have nothing to complain about, I am fortunate compared to so so many others out there in this world that may problems seem like nothing compared to what they deal with each day.

I know that my end will come at my hands and it is not a matter of if but rather a matter of how and when.  This darkness is all my tunnel vision can see anymore and the thought seems more welcoming to me every day that I trudge along.

This probably will not be the end but another failure to add to my snow pile that will never melt.  I am wishing for the frostbite so that I no longer have to feel the cold.

My time

 

There's a moment of time right now that is gone before it is known,

There's a moment in this life when choices are made with answers unknown,

There's a moment in this world when it is spinning too fast for you to hold on,

I am just giving up and stop trying to belong.

My life is filled with hidden emptiness and despair from all others,

I cannot be feel love as every time it is too much the cost,

I cannot be vulnerable as every time I have I have just lost,

And I cannot hope anymore for a different tomorrow.

I am sad, I am alone, 

I am in this world that doesn't want me

And values me more not being here anymore.

I see rain and I'm glad the sun is gone,

I see pain and I'm comforted by its familiarity,

I see tears and I'm confused why I have none.

There's a moment when the hiding needs to end,

There's a moment when pretending is not your friend,

There's a moment when the value of your life is worth less than the pain of its loss,

That moment is every time for me.

Will I ever go out again

Good morning blog,

Recently I received a quick hello from a girlfriend that lives close by wanting to get together and catch up. Nothing special, just a chance to go out and have coffee and chat in a public space as Jaclyn with her.

The problem with that is requiring me to dress and go out again.  

I feel like I have slid all the way backwards to the point when being seen in public is scary and unfathomable once again.  I remember so many failed attempts to get to the front door and turn around and now I don't even feel able to get that far.

I can't explain it, its not like I'm hiding from my family as I was before when I stayed hidden away.  I just feel like I no longer fit in or that I no longer can manage to have the strength to go through the process.

What I really think the issue is that I can't deal with the afterwards again.   I feel like I am skipping any happiness or breath of fresh air I would have gotten by going out and going straight to the shame and self-disgust of myself that comes when I take off the makeup and clothes.

This hopeless feeling is soul crushing and I just feel dread getting up and moving through each day again as me. I feel so sad and like crying. There's nowhere to go