Being a transphobe

 Hello Blog,

I have been on a long path of self-discovery and acceptance and want to start this entry off by a single, polarizing and ugly sounding statement.  I am a transphobe.  

Now that I have admitted this fact, here are some of my supporting arguments for it.  I continue to seem to have thoughts/dreams of switching genders or taking actions like buying clothes, removing hair, researching hrt, etc. and then have feelings of immense self-hate.  I will sneak on a wig, or walk around an abandoned home in clothes and heels and then hit and cut myself afterwards in shame about these actions.  Just the moments I escape into this journal to write my private thoughts here that I don't share with the outside world fill me with tremendous guilt that I will be thinking about for awhile.  

If you tell me I am trans, I will reject this statement as that will be the worst insult I can receive.

Now I don't feel this way about anyone else - I am so supportive and overjoyed with those who are out living as they feel best for them and I also feel those who hide and cannot come out are also brave and strong in their own way.  I read stories and other blogs and admire the courage and empathy for other trans people as I can imagine it feels like the world is against you just for being different.

I just can't accept this for me without judgement and hate.  I have been talking about this lately as self-transphobia but really want to call a duck a duck here.  I am a transphobe because I hate myself for having any of these thoughts.  It is miserable, relentless shame, guilt and hate in this spiral as no matter what I do they are always there.  Like my transphobia, questions/thoughts of gender confusion seem to always be stuck inside me constantly battling with the hate and shame.  I only feel pain, despair and hopelessness as I don't see either side ever giving up.

That is what life is like for me.  I feel ugly, I feel small, I feel worthless. I am hoping that admitting that I am a transphobe is a step along this process and now I can figure out what that means for me to do from here.   

self acceptance struggle continues

Hello blog,

Just finished my second session with Ketamine as I search for some way to manage my depression and felt the need to spew some thoughts here.

After two sessions, I would have to hold my judgement still on the effectiveness of this treatment.  I know that the starting dosing are low and maybe that's why I am not seeing much, but for now I don't feel any improvement and of anything a little bit worsening. 

I think the probable is probably inside me since I am struggling with the goal that I want to get out of this. I feel in some ways I am trying to appease others that continue to convince me to pursue these actions.  Todays discussion came down to self acceptance which I feel intertwines my physical and mental personas.   I want to be with my family, I love my wife and have a comfortable life but I also have so much internal disgust in the male presentation of myself that is required for this.  Conversely, I feel freedom and happiness in my image and presence of this world as Jaclyn at the expense of my mental state.  This probably sounds like a ridiculous question for 99.999% of the world but I have no clarity, I have no answers, I have no peace.

I need to make a commitment soon if I am going to continue to try this Ketamine path to help my discovery, right now I feel 50-50 about going on or stopping.  I heard that people express benefits come after 4-5 sessions so I maybe I will just hold out hope or maybe not.

I just feel like I am in a terrible state and all alone right now.  I need somewhere to cry.

what i get from being miserable

 To someone that does not know me, it is probably very difficult for them to see and or to understand the ongoing daily depression I feel.  Truth be told, since I share very little and trust even less, most people probably have no sense that I feel this way.  I know my co-workers and parents which I interact with daily only see the false I'm fine facade that I put up for my protection and to not have to engage and go into details about how I really feel.  My wife and family know that I am sad often but I try to minimize and hide this alot of the time as well.   I know that it makes most people really uncomfortable and not knowing what to say when they ask the innocuous "How are you doing?" if I would honestly answer that I spent several minutes this morning just dreading waking up and dealing with another miserable day with no hope of things ever getting better and thinking that I should just end things.   Probably to most people just reading this and thinking about it would make them uneasy I think.

So the alternative is to just be positive, try to look on the bright side, fake it until you make it, or whatever catchphrase that we have heard to change our frame of reference.  I dunno, for me this approach is ridiculous and I don't seem to be able to pretend my way to happiness without feeling like a fraud.

Being as they would diagnose as chronically depressed, I have spent hours after hours thinking about this and being told by professionals I am stuck and challenged what benefit this has for me.  So that brings me to my point of this entry in trying to determine what I really get out of being so miserable.

If I take an outsider's perspective, I would start by thinking maybe this is a call for attention. But really I don't want to talk about how shitty I feel to anyone and I am really so introverted that any type of attention feels so uncomfortable that I don't think that's it.

I then think that I want to keep low expectations - nothing is ever going to get better in my world so why don't I keep the bar low so I don't keep feeling like a failure.  Or maybe my misery is a comfortable pattern that I don't want to shed - I am going to feel terrible so at least expect that and accept it and stay this way.  Is my almost daily suicidal thoughts and fantasies just some form of manipulation or revenge that I am doing inadvertently.

I could keep trying to think of reasons but the one that I seem to come to conclusion is the largest one (probably some of the others do contribute as well) is that I am scared to be lonely.  Probably this does not make sense to others how I could spend so much time hiding and avoiding people and being miserable and to do this to avoid loneliness.    

Here it is, basically in my fucked up logic if I tell anyone really how I feel or what I am I know they will reject me.  In my past I have analyzed all the reactions that I have gotten being "authentic" with people and while my family and friends say they will be accepting they will not.  If I stop pretending, I will most definitely lose my employment which providing financial support is really the only thing I provide for my family.  My wife will leave me, my daughter will be ashamed and/or disgusted and my parents will reject and/or not believe me and have no idea what to do.  

I will literally be left alone as there is no one I can count on that understands.  In my 20s, I spent the majority of that decade totally alone, friendless and without anyone. Unless you have lived a long time feeling isolated from everyone and being a spectator in the world, it is so hard to explain how afraid I am to know that will be my eventual state again.

I cannot go back to that, and I cannot see any possible way to avoid it in the scenarios I have played over and over in my broken brain.  Not looking for any argument on this, I just know in that this outcome is inevitable and cannot believe otherwise.

So instead, I am just going to put on the fake smile and say that I'm fine the next time someone asks how I am.  I am just going to keep muddling through another horrible day where I don't have anything to look forward to and I am going to find some remote corner to cry and cut and stay hidden away.  I am going to think that I should just swallow a bunch of pills or walk in front of traffic or myriad of ways that I should remove the burden that is myself from the world only to not do anything and live with shame and guilt of thinking this way.

I don't have any answers, just to accept it is my nature to be miserable and dredge on.