Small steps forward

Hello blog,

Happy news yeserday - the state of Illinois finally got it together and passed the marriage equality law.  It is a small victory and I know many others did more than I with my few calls and emails to to those in congress, but it is time coming for sexual orientation and gender discrimination to end.  But enough of the political soapbox since I usually don't really get all of it anyways.

I had a productive session with my therapist yesterday and lots of talking about acceptance.  It is so had to retrain myself to accept who I am, and I still have lots of questions around that, but I think I am making more progress with her than I did with my last one.  As I am try to think positively, that is a good thing.

But where I seem to be hung up is figuring out who I really am.  Quite silly I must say after all these years on this earth that I still am not quite sure of that.  I am going to try and commit to this self-discovery exercise as it is so hard and I feel so alone here.  Ok, I'm taking my drama queen personna again but I think the next wave of the storm is gathering on the horizon.  I hope that I will have the strength and the foresight to pull myself through it and not come crashing down.  I feel like I have started down this path and can't go back anymore, just try and go forward.

I've written some poetry but of course I forgot my journal at the counselor's office so I will have to hold off on publishing it. Instead I found a good quote that I will include below.  I think that summarizes how I have been feeling for longer than needed for me to turn completely nuts.  Oh well, que sera, sera.
Hugs,
~Jacki

“But you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy.”
― Ellen Wittlinger, Parrotfish

which road?

Hello blog,

This morning (and late last night) I felt pretty low about myself.  I've been busy doing an assignment on identifying things that I don't like about myself and lets say that list has gotten pretty long. I don't know if others similar to me feel this way as much as I do, but lets say I am so tired about feeling crappy about myself.

Driving to work today was even harder and I so wanted to just keep heading south on the expressway until I reach somewhere far, far away.  I didn't of course and I never seem to ever do anything besides sit by myself crying about my inabilities.

I don't want this to be a pity me posting but rather someday something I will look back upon as how far I've made it.  I have the utmost respect for any transgender person who has the courage to follow their dreams and live the way they feel best even if they don't ever transition.  It seems like that is a point of contention among the online community at least on what qualifies you to claim participation in this group, but to someone like me that can't seem to gather enough courage to take the first steps I am in awe of the strength of all those who have.

This weekend I had some free time with just my wife and the discussion of me being happy without dressing or acting feminine came up as it is often on her mind. I don't want to lie to her but I don't know the answer really to that question.  Somedays I wish I could just leave Jaclyn behind but then the next the comfort and feelings of inner peace of her is all I can think about.  Of course I gave her an alluding answer and I know she didn't buy it so I had to reassure that the Jaclyn part of my life was over.  But it is not and deep inside I know that.

So I am soon going to be back out on that road.  I wish to god I could find someone, anyone to help me sort out where I'm headed but that is something I will have to do alone I guess.  At least tomorrow won't be monday.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Point blank

Greeting blog,
I was just listening to some old favorite tunes of mine while dealing with medical receipts.  If one's not clinically crazy enough going through all these forms can definitely put one there lol.

Anyways, I woke up rather low this morning and was thinking about how I had to file all these forms and wondering if therapy is doing me any good. Many days I think the answer is no to that although I am going to continue on in blind faith I guess. No matter I tell myself I struggle with seing any self-worth here and frankly I don't see any way around that feeling.  I have seriously thought about running away or ending it all several times a day for the past few weeks and start to believe that may the answer for me. I don't know as I'm crying here thinking about it all once again.  I so wish I could have a moment of clarity and strength to do something, but really that is never going to happen.

As I said, I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and have been listening to his River album lately.  I wrote a poem the other day with the background music to Point Blank running in my head.  I guess that song kind of sums up how I felt me thinking of how my coming out went.  If you know that song, the poem may go along with the music in the background in the beginning and end of that song.

Enjoy!
Jacki

Point Blank
Gray clouds roll overhead, holding back the rain,
Blustery winds all around, driving without an aim,
I'm walking without direction, shroud myself in the pain,
I don't know how to cry once again.

Things once were so simple, such an easy plan,
What to do, whom to be, and how to act like a man,
Now everything's upside down, spinning end over end,
I'm in the middle of this twisting dervish looking for a helping hand.

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

I wonder where I'm going, I don't remember where I've been,
Each path it seems to me always leads to a dead end,
I hold myself and cry, and then do it once again,
I just want to know whyt I can't get anything right?

Searching for direction, although I know what road to take,
The inevitable conclusion that my life is one big mistake,
I'm too tired of trying, but thus move I continue to make,
How did I ever end up this way?

Now I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
I tried once and failure is my only road.

To throw it all away or finally to be true,
I reflect in my soul but know not what to do,
Suppress my dreams and thoughts, scared to let them loose,
Is my destiny just an inescapable noose?

I duck my head back down, hide away from the sight,
Lock my feelings deep inside, hold them away from the light,
Biding my time to come out, in the darkest night,
What will I do if I am forced to choose?

For now I'll do nothing, cry where noonce can hear,
For now I stare helplessly, my legs paralyzed by fear,
For now I bid my time and wish for an answer to appear,
What will I do when the moment is right?

When that day finally arrives that I finally speak,
When the day dawns on my desperate secret I'll leak,
When that day arrives I declare to finally be free,
Will I finally act and finally find me?

Until then I'm stuck at point blank,
Nowhere left that I can go,  oh,
Point blank, the place I always come back,
Point blank, afraid to leave the pain I know.