wave of feelings

Good morning blog, I feel like in my life I go through periods where I can deny my true self and then there are times that all I can think about is how I can become the real me. I am in the latter phase right now and feel like there is a wave of feelings coming that I am powerless to fight anymore. I have been obsessing over my looks recently - brows, hips, nose, etc. and dreaming of ways to improve them. I haev been dressing regularly again and really am tempted to start investigating hrt and transition plans. I have no support network or way to do this but I currently can only think of it. My brain is getting tired resisting my heart and once I can truly make it believe that I am a woman then I don't think I can turn back again. I need help. I'm not sure what if anything I will do but can't concentrate on anything else.

In a fog

Welcome October.

Its strange that time seems to slip away so fast and keeps going faster each year.   I am still struggling with my personal fog of gender identity and this seems to preoccupy most of my free thoughts and time here.  

In my heart, I feel that need to transition and become genuine and stop hiding but my brain keeps questioning if that is what I want and can handle.  I am trying and trying but I feel like the world keeps making less sense to me.

I'm trying the therapy route again and telling myself to be honest and commit to that, but I fret that I will give up before accomplishing anything. Those clouds of despair and self-loathing are returning and I am fighting them but how do you stop a cloud that seeps in everywhere?

I appreciate this blog as I place to write and communicate but I sure miss having some friends in real life.  There are so many questions and anxious worries in my head today, I could use that shoulder for crying.  I am gonna imagine that and let those tears loose.  I hope that helps and pulls me through.  I have been starting to think of writing some more, here's the beginning of a current prose.

I wake up, get up, move around 

Lost in my head there's fog all around 

I want things to be different but I don't 

I wish I was with people but alone

This fog has me confused from what's real to me

Think I am a mistake or wired the wrong way

I should be happy for fortunes but would give them all away

Just for the moment of clarity

A moment of peace and contentment

A moment that my head and heart agree for once

A moment to shut out all the noise.

Status check

 Hello blog,

I know it has been awhile but I have been avoiding this as I have been most anything in my life that deals with Jaclyn.  Frankly after my first failed attempt at transition and suicide attempt I had tried to destroy and remove anything in my world that dealt with my female identity. I have struggled and hurt and drawn further and further within myself these past few years, but that of course is a battle I cannot win.  

I really don't know right now where I am, where I am headed or what I really want to be.  Wouldn't it be nice just to have a quick blood or some other type of test and determine this?  Dunno, all I do know is that I feel up and down and most things inside of me are 180 degrees opposite of what I appear as.

I have started trying to find a new therapist to discuss and as usual there seem to be few that are either comfortable, knowledgeable or able to understand what living with GD feels like.  I am going to keep trying and feel like I need to determine what I am and what I really want first before doing anything else. I feel alone and scared and can use all the support and love as I enter/return to step one once again.

Why does it always feel like I go in circles? I wish I really knew.  

Hugs,
Jaclyn