Not just the things that make me happy, but the feelings and instances where I recall some form of over-brimming happiness in my life.
For a sad and depressed person like me, finding spots of happiness in my memory is a difficult task. I can think of a few recent occurrences but those are mostly what I call as conditional happiness.
To me, conditional happiness is the type of happiness you tell yourself without fully feeling it. To me, this involves my happiness being totally dependent on the moment/action/event causing someone near me to feel or at least appear to feel happy. I have been trapped in this conditional happiness pattern for a long time as I have trouble valuing myself not at the bottom of everyone else and not feeling I have any right to deserve to be happy. Call that low self-worth or depression or any other therapeutic term but I can only remember times when I smiled and pretended to be happy in my recent memory.
So, I guess what I am thinking about today is what I am going to label unconditional happiness. To me, these are the happy moments that seem to gush out of you. The moments when your head is swimming and dancing and feeling unencumbered by what anyone else says, thinks or sees. I can't give it an exact clinical definition, but I think this is a moment that you feel happiness for yourself without any guilt, shame or any other feeling of others.
For someone that perhaps never grew up in an environment with unconditional love, it is not surprising that I struggle with unconditional happiness as well.
To be honest with myself, the last moment that I can recall as having this unconditional moment was being Jaclyn.
That was an evening that I went out, shared and was vulnerable to a total stranger and allowed her to make me feel good about myself. We took several photos that night that I use as my profile pic - I consider those my glamour shots not only for my photo image but because of the feelings of that night that I get looking at them.
I struggle with words to the feelings that I still get with those images even though these are so long now in the past and I have felt so much shame and guilt about them since.
I'm sort of still chasing that high from that night and chasing those feelings but I cannot. I don't know if the reality of consequences or my fear or what the reason it is but I don't think I can get back to that point ever again.
At the present, I am struggling with going out in the world again and feeling vulnerable and true. I snook out in some jeggings last week for a very brief moment and that mere act was extremely difficult.
I felt ashamed and along and pathetic at this all and wonder why I spent so much energy around a very silly and brief moment.
My pattern seems to be devoid of finding unconditional happiness again. I have crashed and burned and can't seem to reframe myself anymore. I have another opportunity to explore ketamine treatment as a suggestion to try to open up the blocked pathways in front of me. I am so scared at this prospect and know my history of shrinking away. I have banged my head against the figurative wall so many times an outsider may use the cliché that I am scared of being happy.
I am not in charge of my emotions and happiness is another thing I rely on from others. At this moment, I am very doubtful that I will ever feel unconditional happiness again. I wonder if this is something unachievable that we all chase or is there some secret to it I am yet to find.
I guess I will continue wandering in the darkness alone on this one for now.
Until the moment that I can again be vulnerable, that I can again trust and be open, until the moment that I can accept myself, I don't think I will be able to accomplish this unconditional happiness I seek. The steps for this just seem so far away for me.
