Wearing a mask

As Halloween is coming up this weekend, it makes me think of the fun people have with costumes. It's fun to have one night a year where you go out in public to appear and to pretend to be someone different. Knowing this is all make believe and having fun playing the part with others. 

But what if your life is opposite - and instead daily you wear a costume that doesn't feel like you. That is how I feel inside and let me tell you it sucks. I feel trapped in a costume because that is what I am supposed to do. I feel trapped in a costume because that causes less conflict in others and doesn't bring pain to my loved ones. I feel trapped in a costume because I am afraid what will happen if I show my true self. I feel trapped in a costume because, because, well because I keep making excuses. 

I don't look forward to Halloween anymore because it just reminds me that I fake and pretend to be every day of my life. I feel that pressure to be and to pretend is getting too much sometimes and tell myself I am going to make a change and then avoid things.  I hope that somedays I can put down the charade or learn how to live better with both sides of me.  

These are my hopes for today and tomorrow.   
Hugs ~ Jaclyn

Poem - In between

Following my heart

Hello Blog, As probably most people who question their identity, I have been wrestling with lots of existential questions in my wee little brain lately. It kinda of started with me wondering why I dislike my body and appearance so much and how the simple fact of changing clothes seems to alleviate these feelings. Why does putting on makeup allow me to take photos of myself or look in the mirror where I would loathe these acts without it - am I hiding with a mask from the outside world and needing the freedom of the disguise? These painful questions kind of lead to the heart of my gender confusion and happiness, are these behaviors folly and I should be able to just "get over them" or do I need to accept this and follow my heart to truly be happy? Following the heart seems to be an outcome that I keep coming back to over and over again. As someone that deals with logical analysis every day, this is a very hard thing for my mind to comprehend. How does one follow his/her heart and follow their dreams? What does that really mean in real life? Once again I feel like I am a point with several different paths branching off. I have gone down a few of them a bit but then lose courage come running back to the start. Nothing in my life is a straight line and I do need support both virtually and physically to move anywhere. I know what's in my heart but my mind still refuses to follow.