As I get ready to say good riddance to 2021, I wanted to take a quick moment to take stock of where I feel 2022 is headed towards at this time. If anything this past year has taught me is that life can really hard and acceptance of oneself is the most difficult and most important thing to do before setting a direction for the path ahead.
I feel like I am starting to crawl out of the deep hole of depression that has plagued me not only this year but in the past. As I sit here writing with an estradiol pill dissolving under my tongue, I see a vision and an overwhelming need to transition to start living a true life for me. There is this feeling that I have wasted so much time pretending to be what others what for me and wish that I could just rush through this process overnight. Not only do I know that it will take time, but I also realize that I do need a plan to make this all happen. So what I have been spending my time recently is working out a tentative transitional plan for next year. Here is what I have right now
Jan. 2022 - Work on building a support system, attend a local transgender group event and continue with some depression support skills group. Work on my transition plan with my therapist.
Feb 2022 - My first 3 month check in with endocrinologist, start to include t-blockers along with recommended dosage adjustments specified by her. Virtual weekly transgender support group will be starting this month.
March/April 2022 - Continue to work on building support network, working on improving image skills (makeup, clothes, presentation) as well as look into/start vocal training. I am hoping that some of the HRT physical effects will start to become noticeable and will keep me moving forward.
May/June/July 2022 - I think this will be important times for me as I would like to take this time to come out to my daughter and other immediate family members. I want so bad to get my ears pierced and start to do electrolysis to get rid of hair that leads to so much dysphoria. One personal goal for me would be to participate in the local pride parade.
I feel if I can accomplish all of these feats I will have made a year's worth of progress already, and there are going to be a lot of stumbles and road blocks to get here. I feel like this will be a good check-in point to see how far I have come.
Aug/Sep/Oct 2022 - I want to be working on vocal training, electrolysis and feeling more confident in going out around this time. I am hoping at this point to be close if not out part-time beside work and have started some plans for socially transitioning
Nov/Dec 2022 - I am thinking that after a year of working on physical transition, I will be starting the process for social transition here. I would be coming out at work and starting to free myself from any form of male identity.
1st half of 2023: Start making some permanent changes - FFS, name change. Try to figure out what the hell to do with the sad excuse that is the natural hair on my head. Celebrate my daughter's finishing of high school / beginning of college.
2nd half of 2023: Continue to live authentically - consider breast augmentation and any other surgeries to bring me some harmony in my life. Plan for the next phase of my life.
So that's the current rosy plan here. Not sure how close reality will be but trying to be optimistic. The one part of this journey that is up in the air is how supportive my wife will be with this and from our recent conversations I believe that answer is not very. So there is my major issue in feeling ahead is the unknown loss of my family and hope that I can save a life with my daughter. I feel however that I need to do this or part of me will just die and I worry so much of the depression associated with this. One thing is for sure that 2022 will be a very very emotional one for me. I am hoping to come out on a brighter side, only time will tell.
