so sorry

sitting in the dark alone again

numbers pile on the floor with no end

wishing to be freed

wishing to be gone indeed

there no end to this infinite time

as the tears wet my face.

i've cried and searched everywhere in vain

i've resolved that there is no solution to my pain

cutting my flesh does not release my hate

hitting myself does not register in my thoughts

i am nothing but a mistake.

i want to end it all right now

take that final step that final bow

i have planned and prepped so many ways

i have thought of this for so many days

i am nothing but a mistake.

that safety valve that keeps me here

i hate that more and more each year

i hear how much pain i would cause

i see how much a burden and pain i cause

i am nothing but a mistake.

this misery soon from which i'll be free

this misery i've reached  the end for me

just quietly sitting alone here in the dark 

nothing more

i am nothing but a mistake.

Post election anxiety

I'm really struggling here living in the US post election and could use some reassurance not to go off the ledge.

I guess I wasn't as surprised as that an rich old white male won again an election in our supposedly great democracy.  I feared that was going to happen as too many people here are fearful to have a woman president from any genders.

What I am really struggling with is the loss of all three branches of government that is supposed to allow for check and balances of any one viewpoint.  I've lived through the zealousness of the republican party drunk on power before and the anxiety of what's ahead seems downright scary.

For a transgender person in America I feel like we are going back 50 years at least.  Here is a snippet of some of the viewpoints being expressed by our future asshole-in-chief:

“On day one, I will revoke Joe Biden’s cruel policies on gender-affirming care — ridiculous. I will sign a new executive order instructing every federal agency to cease all programs that promote the concept of sex and gender transition at any age,” Trump said in a video posted to social media. “I will then ask Congress to permanently stop federal taxpayer dollars from being used to promote or pay for these procedures and pass a law prohibiting child sexual mutilation in all 50 states.”

Trump also said he would support allowing “victims to sue doctors” who have performed transgender procedures on children.

He will also ask Congress to pass a bill that mandates that the only genders the federal government will recognize are those assigned at birth.

I'm not an out living transgender person or a young adult and this sort of rhetoric really shakes me.  I know that this sort of hate speech is also being spouted towards immigrants, disabled people, people needing federal support, etc. and I should not feel alone.  I am so scared for so many LGBTQIA+ people as I remember growing up in an area where being out was akin to taking your chance with mob violence.   

I am having a really tough time believing things are going to be ok.  I feel so sorry for my daughter to have to inherit this mess and can't believe how so many people could have felt that the hateful misogynistic views in the project 2025 is what they wanted and that things will be better than them with it.

I am just so scared right now and having trouble to cope.  I wish I was alone with that.

Leaving the past behind

 Hello blog,

As probably apparent by my recent postings recalling past experiences, I have a hard time leaving the past behind and moving forward.

I was hoping that writing things out would be a cathartic experience and I could move along, but alas my situation has not changed much if any for a long time here.

I have also thought that going through the process of asking for forgiveness and accepting it for past traumas would also ease my mental stress, but I feel like I am unable to absorb this as well.

I know logically that I have protected and walled myself away from the world defensively after feeling pain to the point that I can no longer escape.  I am not able to trust others and believe in my heart that things will ever change.

In short, I don't know how to let go of my past.  I know that it has no benefit to me and only causes my depression to crash over me in waves to the point that I feel incapacitated and don't want to get out of bed in the morning as it seems pointless.

I'm struggling and I am unable to express this desperation in any other way besides the safety of anonymous writing here.  My current livelihood appears to be in jeopardy as my company is collapsing and this just feels like another layer of worthless to heap upon me.   I get agitated when anyone provides me with pity as I know that I am the source and cause of all my problems.

I guess I don't have a point here but just feel like I am untethered in a stormy sea and land is no one to be seen.  I think that I need to let go of my past but perhaps my misery is the company I seek.  

I dunno as always.   Just so glad I have a place here to vent and cry.