Fall season

Good morning blog,

Today is officially the last day of summer as our rotating planet reaches the fall equinox in its annual journey sometime tomorrow.   With the cooler temperatures, this also marks the season of pumpkin spice, crisp evenings and more importantly changing of wardrobes into light sweaters, longer pants and many more variations of style.

I have traditionally looked forward to this being my favorite time of the year, especially the early fall when it is still warm enough to avoid jackets yet cool enough to try longer fashions out.

Right now though I am struggling and feeling maybe seasonally depressed or something.  I am not sure of the exact reasons but inside of me I have been feeling very blue and low.  I have the opportunity this coming weekend to have some precious Jaclyn time and I am struggling to feel excited and wondering if it would be worth the trouble of getting dressed.  I haven't gone shopping in ages and feel my wardrobe is so outdated and just went and purged a good portion of things that I haven't worn in a long time a few weeks ago.

I feel struggling and I feel alone - not by society but by self-choice - and I am hoping that taking some time here writing to help me sort some things out.  I keep trying the talk therapy and leave most times feeling like I am a freak and can't seem to rationalize things.  I love the trans community and feel so proud of my brothers and sisters who are so brave and self-affirming, but when it comes to myself I feel ashamed.  I hate my body image, I hate so much about my existence but cannot muster up enough strength to actually do anything.

I feel pathetic, whiny, small and worthless right now.

So, here’s the thing.  I know that nothing is ever going to change and this malaise is going to just continue unless I do something.  I want to make a change.  That is really the reason that I am typing out this blog and thinking and dreaming about it in my head.  I want to experience the world as Jaclyn and feel that crisp fall breeze through my hair (albeit not my real hair) and feel that happiness inside again that I have had brief glimpses of before.  I want to avoid that terrible post-dressing feeling of shame and guilt when I have to bury and hide my persona away.  I want to share with others, to be vulnerable together to hug and support and know that I am accepted.

I know all these steps, I just cannot overcome that stupid blaring alarm in my head that goes off when I want to act on this and so I sit here frozen, alone, sad.

I’m tired of waiting for that fairy godmother to bring me a Cinderella moment and know its all up to me to do that.  I just feel sad and only see pumpkins.

A new look

Hello blog,

Today I am going to try to maintain some positivity that will be a departure from many of my past entries here.

While I have not been out as much as I would like and not feeling up to writing much, I feel that desire to express my female persona is starting to reach that all-consuming stage here.  I recently decided to finally invest in a new wig (see below for image) and update some of my cosmetics.  I have been watching YouTube makeup tutorials and listening to trans podcasts again.   I got a couple of chances and went out a couple of times (last week to a fun drag bar) enfemme and have been working really hard on instead of being sad and troubled having to pack up my outfits to take the time and say good-bye until next time to my femme self at the end of the nights.

Really what has been on top of my mind lately is how I still live in a closet (mostly) albeit a larger one than before.  It's true that I have come out to my partner and a very small number of people, but I don't feel like I can consider myself being out at all.  It has been over 13 years since telling my partner and our “don't talk about it” policy I am thinking is not really a good thing. Instead of freeing me from shame, it just seems like this strategy is way to hide me away in a closet. I could be interpreting statements like I should be inside to be safe and avoid conflicts as code that if the neighbors or others find out about the true me it will reflect badly on us and cause lots of problems.

For now, I am not sure where this next wave will take us but I have pushed for us to restart counseling again. This will involve me being brave enough to be vulnerable and honest about my feelings, and then actually advocate for myself. That is a very scary thing for me to think about and I need to help to take this advice.  I wish I had some real world support person (a cis hetero normal female friend would be so amazing!) because I feel I can write and talk about things but then get stuck irl.   

For today, I am just going to enjoy my new look and try to keep looking forward to future possibilities.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

Messed up

 Hello blog,

Today I admit I am struggling and feeling untethered.  In the last few weeks, my journey has been going up and down with me feeling tired and unable to concentrate or do much of anything.  Probably this is pretty apparent with my lack of creating readable sentences here.

I recently decided that I needed a new look and went and got a wig consultation and ordered a new look.  It feels really vulnerable as the wig I chose was brighter shade and fuller look than before but I feel it does make my eyes look better and make my face look a little less round. I was going to post a few pictures of this but feel unable right now.

After this, my therapist and I had a large blow up and this caused me to cut off that relationship. That was really the only person I was able to feel trusting with right now even  though I didn't trust her at times.  Regardless, this left me feeling alone once again and a failure and a total mess-up.

I thought about cutting and perhaps short-sleeve weather and guilt prevented that one.  My birthday came and went and thankfully I was able to avoid most people as I did not feel like celebrating anything.

I feel like an ultimate fuck-up, and I do feel like all I do is to fail and disappoint people with myself being the main disappointment.  I'm crying and trapped in an endless cycle of shame.

I hate myself so much..

evolution - a poem

Chemical electrical pulses transform our biology

Seemingly infinite infinitesimal shifts occur continuously,

Without being marked by our conscious

Until one day we pause and self-analyze

On the evolution that we have become,

And wonder of the meaning behind all this change

And the direction behind all this change.

How does this make me feel?

Why do I minimize this so much?

What do I fear about where I go?

I despair that I am at a crossroad,

In which every path I chose loops me back to this same intersection.

While my muscles freeze in place

My mind races down every road my vision can see,

Retuning in disgust upon reaching the horizon without resolve,

And unable to traverse the minute distance within

To force the body to move in sync with the soul.

I pray for the force of evolution to someday change this outcome,

Instead of despair that never seems to change,

Still frozen at the crossroad.

Searching for love & acceptance

**warning note - In this post I reflect back on my suicidal ideals and attempts and would advise avoiding if these words are triggering to you.

Dear blog,

My trapped thoughts have been leading to recently write and think about my path forward which has led to my default emotion of fear.  Today, I am going to try to set that fear aside at least for a little while and reflect on my current state.

I have tried so hard to learn all the terms and constantly shifting definitions on what it means to be transgender, and honestly I throw up a white flag and give up trying to put myself in a box. I also have a persistent habit of putting myself down and low self-esteem and I am going to try my best today to take the opposite perspective and be loving towards myself.

I guess what I am searching for is what everyone is looking for - love and acceptance of themselves and connection with others. 

Loving and accepting myself has been and still is a hard struggle for me. I have never liked the physicality of my body and feel uncomfortable around my looks and features. I was also raised male in an environment with strict predefined gender roles which only served to accumulate a mountain of guilt for the feelings I hid inside of me.  

I eventually went on that discovery on what it would be like to release my feminine expression and found those feelings overwhelming as for the first time I could smile at myself and feel beautiful.  Not just on the outward expression, but inside my mind I found peace and happiness which I never had known.

I probably rushed my wanting to share this new discovered essence of me with my partner and wanted them to love me and unconditionally accept and embrace this hidden inside of me. I did not consider their point of view, our situation and the loss associated with leaving my male side behind even if was for brief moments in the world. Instead of acceptance, I found fear that I spread to my partner about how this would affect our family which lead to guilt and shame on my part and feelings of selfishness. 

I began a very deep downward spiral from that point, questioning myself daily and feeling daggers of shame whenever I thought about my female side. My body dysmorphia spiked to all-time highs and cutting and bruising my body was commonplace and brought little relief.

Really dark feelings from the shame of my childhood returned during these times, and I started trying to find the ultimate exit from this noise. Too many times to recount, I found myself with an entire bottle of pills in my hand, looking down from high locations and imagining taking a header, or just staring into oncoming traffic and imagining the release of my body being crumpled by a passing car.

I am ashamed of these thoughts and actions and how it impacted my family, especially when it required involuntary monitoring and follow-up care. Again, a new level of shame and guilt felt like it was deposited on myself.

Time has passed and other events have happened, but I still feel that yearning inside to express my female side.  I do not know how deep this will lead me if I do accept it, but I do know that after the brief intermissions I allow myself, the hardest time for me is to hide everything away and put my feelings back into a tidy compartment.

My partner and I have started discussions on how we have acted in the past and regrets and things we wish we could go back and change. She is my life partner and the only person I want to share this world with, yet I know that revealing things may cause a rift between us that we cannot bridge.

This is why I have been writing so much lately about my fallback emotion of fear.  I know that I am a scared individual of what everything means and scared when I think of the future and all the possible consequences of being vulnerable and truthful.  I am trying ever so slowly to navigate these waters and need to give myself grace when I stumble in my attempts here. 

I am writing this entry today trying to find the clarity of what I am really looking for and cannot honestly state that I have found it yet. I feel like I have been searching for some ideal fantasy solutions and need to let go of these thoughts and let things naturally occur and accept them.

I feel like I am searching for the strength to accept love and understanding of who I am with my life partner and at the same time the strength to accept and love and be true to myself.

Every day is a struggle.

Feeling on exhibit

 With all my personal struggles, I have often thought what self acceptance may feel like.  While it may not be accurate, my idea is that I will experience this when I can be out in public and feel "natural".  That is, I will feel like I blend in with cis and non-cis individuals and not spend time thinking to myself that I am obviously a trans person or worrying that I am a peculiarity that others may notice (either directly or the indirect side eye glances).

I've been thinking about this idea of being on exhibit based on recent conversations with my life partner and them trying to understand and accept my gender questioning.  We have talked about starting with small steps of me sharing a top or two that I wear to try and facilitate further discussion.

I seem to be the hang up at this point, and I have been pondering about my hestitation to take this small step. 

Firstly, I thought of fear of their reaction, their impression and thoughts of me when looking at my clothes choices.  Since I am not very self confident either, this seemed like a logical thought.

But lately I have been thinking it is all coming back to me feeling on exhibit with this request.  Sort of like every thing I do is on display and my spouse and others are going to be their critiquing and commenting on that "trans individual".

I know this is irrational and a reflection of my lack of self acceptance, but damnit it is hard to have my brain tell this to my heart.  I want to continue these small steps but also so frightened about going past that proverbial point of no return here.

I wonder if again this is normal and tell myself there is no such thing as normal.  So I will keep stumbling ahead and see where it leads.

Until then

~Jaclyn  

Fear

Hello blog, 

Lately I have been doing alot of self-reflection. Duh, that is nothing new to me because I seem to get lost in my own musing and never seem to move beyond that.  Regardless, there has been one emotion that seems to be on the surface recently and has been pre-occupying my wee brain.  Fear.

By my nature, I know that I am a very fearful person.  I've been advised that this developed from my childhood in which I was a very imaginative and fearful child.  I was scared of the dark, scared of doctors, scared of water, scared of school and other children, etc. etc.

Probably makes sense that I grew up as someone afraid of pretty much anything and regardless of what I tell myself to be brave my main fight or flight reaction is to freeze out of fear.

Really, I write this blog primarily because of fear.  I feel like a pathetic, little, chickenshit person typing these words out in the anonymity of this blog but sometimes this the only outlet I have to express myself and retain some sanity.  I still feel disappointed in myself because of how much I let fear rule me and I am hoping that acknowledging and reflecting will help in some little way.

When I started to first explore and self-discover myself as Jaclyn, the biggest fear was to go out or admit this expression to anyone else.  I have written about the years of struggle and tears as I was unable to get past the front door.

That is not really a fear of mine anymore as going out is something that I like to do when possible and I probably should be more cautious around strangers than I am.  Last week I had this opportunity (see pics below) and had a great time being out in a public space for at least a few hours when I had some free time.

I think today I fear admitting my true feelings to people I know and love.  There is a bit of worry around rejection based on my past coming out experiences and worry around how some people I have been hidden from may react.  I cannot deny that at all and have been resistant to share even with those I know really care for me.

My biggest fear is around admitting these feelings to myself.  Because if I admit that I feel best in the world being true as a female there is a million of things that means.  While I know that others are able to compartimalize these feelings and switch from one gender to another, that is very hard for me.  If I admit that I feel good as a female and then the more I accept and discover about this, the more I want to continue.  I try to tell myself only one thing at a time, but once I start it seems like a ball rolling down a hill, it gathers momentum.  The need of that feeling seems like it grows exponentially and becomes all consuming and I am afraid I couldn't stop.  This crash caused me problems in the past as I gave up control and ended up in hospitalization and I worry if I give in again there may be worse results.

Even going out last week for a few days did not sate this feeling as all I can think about right now is when I will get a chance to go out again.  And how to keep doing this more and more.

I guess I fear self-acceptance or fear what it means to have the feelings that I do inside and I am feeling vulnerable and scared right now.  That is why I keep writing this blog in my hidden away life, and continue to struggle one day at a time.

Hugs,

~J

What's in a name

 Hello blog,

There are some changes today with the most notable one the change in my title.  This is all based on my current identity crisis and reflects the real chaos and confusion I am feeling within.

I've recently been trying open dialogue with my s.o. regarding my issues and depression and have struggled alot.  I have gone away from writing which is always a sign of my retreating and probably will be some time before I start putting thoughts down here.

One of the discoveries from our discussion revolved around the name that I identified with and some of their feelings towards it.  One thing that I realized after these talks was the trauma attached to this name, as I had used it to reach out one time in my middle of night suicidal pleads.  Also tied into this is the discovery of the name by my daughter which we played off but probably not very convincingly.   Lastly, I have been in a terrible shame cycle and this has combined with all the other factors.

As a result, my mind has now shut down to the former name that I was using as just typing or hearing it sends waves of guilt and self-hatred.  I don't really know how to explain but it feels like that name is dead to me now, and I cringe at the thought of it being used in any form related to me or my feelings inside.

This has left me feeling quite untethered.  It seems ridiculous to have so much tied up into a name but I feel like I am in total limbo here.  I still have these feelings around my gender and who I am, but without an identity I feel lost and ashamed.  I've tried to just come up with a new name but it time that just doesn't feel right or I can't quite make any connection to it.   Going back an accepting the past with the old name doesn't feel right either to me.   

So that's really where I am right now, I feel lost and in the dark here without a clue what my next step should be.   

~

The pending talk ahead

Hello blog - 

I'm starting down that unknown path again and feel scared and afraid and alone but know I must do this.  Maybe I'm being over dramatic but I have been lying awake at night thinking about the future and what it may mean for me.  

I know I need to back up and add some context to help describe my state of mind here so here it goes.

As I have chronicled in the blog here through the years, I spent many many years not understanding what being trans meant not understanding these feelings inside me that I had been reliougly taught were wrong and sinful.  While I can wish I had some of that time back with the knowledge I have today, that is all time in the past that can only be reflected upon in the present.

Eventually, I continued to research and explore and try to figure things out.  This led me to coming out to my partner which was an epic failure and then was followed by years of therapy, soul searching, denying and self-hating that again I want to leave in the pile of the past.

This past year has gotten me back into the discovery phase of what I am and debating whether or not I am trans or what the hell I may be classified into.  Still not 100% certain on this, but feel like trans is the best definition I have to go on.  I have been trying to confront some of the traumas of my childhood through talk and K therapy and this has not been an easy summer with all those emotions coming up to the surface that I suppressed a long, long time ago.

Now, where this leads me is to present and what direction to point my ship towards for the future.  I feel like I owe my spouse a good honest talking as this subject we both have been thinking about and both have been avoiding talking about.  Its so funny how you both can know there is a problem and pretend that if you don't talk about it then it really doesn't exist even though neither of you believe that.  I love my partner and she has been with me through so much and I never want to lose her.

But...

I also struggle each day getting up and putting on this false charade and pretending.  I am thinking that I need to be that caterpiller busting out of their cocoon and start to look at the world that I want to be.  If I will continue to be a caterpiller or a butterfly or something in-between I do not know.  That is the truth.

What I do know is that we need to talk about these things.  We need to talk about how my heart aches and wants to go out into the world more often as Jaclyn and experience the community and life without pretending to be what I think others want me to be.  I think about wanting to have my own private space for my collections and to escape and dress in whenever I need that part of me to be alive.  I think about how my mind is a storm everyday and how micro-dosing or other treatments may help bring some calmness to the storm within.  I think about mostly what all of this means.

That brings me up to this week at least in a quick summary of my thoughts.  This week with the help of my therapist, my partner and I are planning to have that talk.  We promised each other that we need to finally speak even though both of us are scared shitless on what that means.  The anxiety and fear that she will toss me out into the street or that I will fold and waffle again is a 100 on a 1 to 10 point scale.

I am so scared.  

I admit that.  I just don't know how this will all go and wish it was at the beginning of the week instead of having to wait out the entire week to have time for this.   But especially, I am anxious as of this time next week how I will be feeling about myself - will I feel like I have taken a tiny step forward or will I feel the crushing disappointment that I withdrew and denied my true self once again.   How will I deal with pain, disappointment or any emotion that my spouse feels and not feel selfish at the same time.  What will be my next step from there?

There is alot of still unanswered and unknown questions here and trying to take it one small one at a time.  I need to stay in the present since I cannot control the past or future but saying and doing are two different things. 

I just am glad I have this refuge to use when I feel so alone like I do right now.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Poking my head outside my shell

 Hello blog,

Wanted to do some catch-up journaling since while there has been alot of thoughts in my head lately I have had some trouble getting the words down in type here.

To start with, I feel alot more alive today then I have been for awhile.  Last week I had a successful day that I set aside for myself, to pamper and dress and spend some time in the mall being out and about.  I did meet up with my therapist, which while it was an artifical construct we tended to talk more like girl friends rather than like patient-therapist.  That was so nice to and feeling of freedom even though it took me some time to relax and stop focusing on every little step or passerby glance.

This is leading up to a business trip this week where I am going to plan to take a few nights to go out again after the day is done.  I haven't felt like looking forward to something like this for a long time so I can't wait to go.

Where that leaves me at is something that I have been avoidant at.  I need to start the discussion again with my wife about expressing myself.  I am worried about this outcome going two different ways.  First, if she rejects and demands that I don't go out as before, I feel this is going to trigger shame, anger, and lead to another depressive episode.  I feel that I live so close to going down under that I can see that ending up if this conversation bombs.

On the other hand, if this conversation goes well and we come up with some agreement for Jaclyn time, I am worried what that may lead to.  Even as I am excited to go out this week, I am also feeling sad that after this week it may be some time again when I can arrange a night out.  For me, it feels like a compulsion to get dressed and go out even when putting the clothes and wigs and makeup away is gut-wretching and distressing to me.  So, if this conversation goes well and I do start to explore more then I guess what I am saying is that I am scared what that may lead to afterwards.  

I know that I must be a pessmist that I can only see negative outcomes regardless of which way things go. I am telling myself to relax, to breathe and to just enjoy the present week ahead for now.

I will keep journalling here as I need this outlet to work through all of my thoughts.  Until next time.

Hugs,

~Jaclyn

Anxious thoughts

 Hello blog - 

I have been in a funk kinda of lately so I have been away from writing and sharing my thoughts outside of my tiny brain here.   It seems like things go well for awhile then all of a sudden one of these funks come along and wallop me and send me back again.  

Anywho, today may or may not be a big day for me and my partner and addressing my gender feelings.   My therapist has arranged some time for us to try and approach this discussion once again and I am hoping to have the strength and courage for it.  I am completely unsure how things will go and have sinking feelings about another disaster or else we will briefly talk and then pretend again that it doesn't exist.

I'm really anxious today and hope things go well.  I'm not sure what outcome I want so that is maddening and has me on edge.

Fingers crossed.

Jaclyn

Continuing to play a charade

Good morning blog,

This week I have been really struggling with living dual gender lives.   That is, while I spend the majority of my time playing the role of a normal, socially acceptable cis male in appearance and actions, inside I feel much differently and hate myself for this facade that I wear.  

It really is wearing down on me just keeping quiet and doing what is expected of me instead of what I want. While that may sound like something simple to fix, there are lots of things holding me back here with probably the biggest one my courage to actually do anything about it.

The fact is that I need some help, need some support, need something to kick me in the ass here.  I can trade emails and messages with other similar trans-questioning and trans-knowing folks but I feel so inferior around them.  I am my worst enemy of sorts and resolve each day to change this but come up short.

I sometimes feel like a caterpillar that refuse to spin herself a cocoon.  Idk, maybe I am being too much of a drama queen again, I just feel tired from this all.

Hugs,

Jaclyn

Looking for intimacy

 Hello blog,

I have been doing more thinking and pondering about intimacy, or more appropriately my current lack of being able to share intimacy with others.

For my thoughts on this subject right now, I am not talking about the physical sex act(s) but instead the broader concept of intimacy which is about being able to be vulnerable and trusting with others enough to share one's deepest feelings, emotions and connections.

I know this all sounds like therapist speak and the discussion of trust (or my lack of it) did come up in many sessions recently.   Where my current scattered mind is this week is around how I feel lacking in the intimacy currently in my life and how I prevent this.

Probably writting this blog is the closest I really come to intimacy and yet since it is anonymous and not shared outside of a few random people that may stumble across, I would consider this an one-way form which I am only using for a safe place to dump my thoughts without having to actually confort anyone (aka the chickenshit escape of intimacy).

Here's the thing, I know what intimacy is, I have shared some of my deep feelings and emotions with others before.  I have cried and connected and felt that human connection that I cannot express in simple terms but believe that it was there and I have found this to be more rewarding and gratifying than any physcial pleasure (from any physcial manifestion of intimacy).

But today I feel part of the reason that I am stuck is that I have trouble or run away from any form of sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with anyone I love or feel close to.  I can logically go back to some times when I tried to be vulnerable and was rejected and say that now I am hiding from this as it feels safer than taking a chance again.  I feel like I have forgiven the person that inflicted this pain and we have discussed and gotten past this, but still I feel too shy to get back up on that proverbal horse and share and be intimate with them again.

I wish I had a solution here like all of my other rambling musings I am just able to observe and not seeming to do anything about it at the moment.

I know that someday I need to go back there and I need to trust and be vulnerable as intimacy is part of the human existense and connection that we as social creatures need with each other.  I want to have that feeling again, it is just so hard to find it again once it has been lost.

~~~ Jaclyn

self sabotage

 Hi blog,

I'm feeling rather depressed and disappointed at myself again lately.  I have been pushing myself towards self-acceptance only to push back even harder on me.

Last week I signed up for a virtual support group, attended it for a few minutes and then had to leave as the self-hatred and sef-disgust was welling up inside.  I do not know why I have so much self sabotage but I find the word hate being used alot by me to describe myself and my actions.

I feel like such a fraud, such a loser and incapable of letting myself get better.  Even during therapy sessions instead of trying to listen and seek solutions I spend the majority of time thinking how much I hate myself and how much I will never let myself change.

I don't know what to do at this point.  I really feel alone and want to let someone into my life but cannot seem to not push them away and feel worse about myself.

I feel the negative self talk and suicidal thoughts increasing each day more and more.  If I knew there was a light at the end of this tunnel it would be easier to handle all this pain but I don't feel I can allow myself to take even a step towards it.

I am really in alot of pain right now and feel so empty inside.

~ 😭Jaclyn

In the dark again

 Hello blog,

It has been a few weeks since my last entry as I spent some time in the depression pit of self-hate and self loathing once again.

I wish I could avoid or at least not dwell there as I seem to do.  Durig this time period I finished my first round of K sessions and they left me feeling sad and down as I was headed in that trajectory going into them.

Overall I do not know if this has helped at all even though my therapists seem to think they made some progress and I should continue.  They are a very tiring experience and I think I need a break at least until the end of the summer from them.

During this time I have also gone back to try the anti-depressant route again and trying to hold off on judgement of those.  Really what I need to do to be happy is to get out and just be Jaclyn but I am struggling being able to do that for various reasons.

The biggest reason is myself and allowing myself out without shame.  I have had some really intense self-inflicted shame episodes after going out that I now feel afraid of the after effects and cannot shut off my stupid brain and relax and just feel good.  Combine that with my negative self judgement and I seemed to be unable to overcome this.   Like how I feel unable to overcome the pits of self depression I feel like my brain is broken or at least I am certifiable crazy here.

I woke up today really wanting to go out.  It is part of my cycle I know and I wish I had someone nearby to help and encourage me on and tell me it is ok.  I feel broken and alone.   I guess that is why I write so much about this.

I dunno.  I just feel lost.

giving up hope

 Today I feel like an utter failure.  I know that I tried telling myself my daily affirmations and thought stopping but this feeling has been building the last few days and I cannot stop the landslide in my mind.

I thought I was getting better but realize that was all an illusion.  I am incapable to be well and I feel like the most pathetic, worthless being alive right now.  That being said I question that alive part and the wisdom of not just giving up at times.

My body/gender dysphoria is like constant alarm here lately and I am struggling how to explain this to others that have no idea what that is like.  But the real struggle is more mental than physical as I feel so f@ck!d up and hopeless.

I don't know why I even try.

I am not a disapointment

 Hello blog.

Today with my last day of K treatment for awhile but probably not forever.  I am planning to take a break to re-assess, re-inventory and re-evaluate myself and there is still much work to be done.

Todays big emotional quest was around one of my core misbelief that I am a disappointment to everyone.

I am writing this out to try to remove some of the power of this incorrect thought as rationalizing it out helps me accept that it is not the truth.  I know the source of this thought was taught to me over my entire childhood and that since that time I looked for any small reason to validate it with all my relationships afterwards.  I know that this truth is not something that I ever want to pass along to my child and I may over compensate by telling them over and over how proud they make me feel.

I know alot of things, yet this thought of failure and disappointment goes so deep and is so familiar to my essence that I habitual have repeated this to myself in the past.

That is what the inner peace I am wrangling with today.  In order to change this normal thought pattern, I need to find something to replace it and to unconditionally accept this new truth.

So here goes.  

I have an inner light that brings joy and happiness to others.   I enrich their lives by being part of them as they also enrich mine.  Not everything I do, not everything I say, not everyway I look or react or anything else will always be approved by them and that is ok.  That does not mean that they do not love me, that they judge me or they are disappointed in me overall but may be in an action or part of me.

I have value.  I have self worth and not everyone is going to agree or see it.  I cannot control their thoughts and actions like they cannot control mine.  The world is a better place with me in it.

I am going to probably keep working on this and refining it, but I am also going to keep telling it to myself.

I just need to take things day by day.   

Hugs,
Jaclyn

Just to be

 Hello blog,

As I am winding down my ketamine sessions, I wanted to take a moment to self-reflect here on the thoughts going through my head at this moment in time.

It has been really hard treatment sessions for me and I did not expect how much it would take out of me. Perhaps I am not a good pharmaceutical person but this treatment has not given me many highs but more a difficult struggle against as my nature is to resist giving up control.  Nevertheless, I continue to push myself to undertake while trying not to judge but to observe the feelings and emotions that get stirred up.

Perhaps the largest feelings that seem to revolve around trying to get past my all consuming self-hate and to accept the different facets of myself without judgement.  There is inner child trauma and struggle there as I need to break past the patterns I developed as a result of prior words and actions that I have absorbed. But really the biggest issue keeps coming back to loving and accepting myself as Jaclyn.

Today the biggest thing that I wish I could feel is the freedom to be out and to just be.  Probably sounds really simple to be walking down the street or at the mall or wherever and to be myself without any thoughts/worries that others may judge me or view me as a freak or some other misguided thought I assume others think when they see Jaclyn.

I just want to be alive and just to be.   There are so many implications, complications, questions and negotiations with my family around this simple sentence and I am not going to delude myself to think that it will be simple and that others will agree with everything.  

What I think though is that I need to start this conversation over again - perhaps slowly only a bit at a time - but I do need to stop pretending it is not something I want and to face the music so to say.

In a way, it feels like coming out once again.  12 years ago I attempted this and planned everything out down to the words that I would say and still it was a large disaster.

I am not sure what will happen this time, but I am not going to plan and not going to try to avalanche my family all at once but rather try to take a more deliberate (albeit a painfully slow one to me) approach to come out again.  In my mind I really wish I could transition tomorrow into a 24/7 woman but I am going to approach this without trying to plan or look ahead and to see where I land after a bit.

I hope that this makes sense.  I tend to doubt myself and chicken out and hope I can have the strength to better my life.  In some ways, I feel like my life depends on it (maybe I am a drama queen lol).

Until then, trying to take things day by day here.

Hugs,
Jaclyn

  

Forgiving myself

Hello blog,

This weekend marks the 12th anniversary of one of the main reasons that I started writing down my inner thoughts and ideas.  Specifically, this past Friday was the 12th anniversary of my first coming out to anyone in my family or friend cycle.  

Thinking back on that time, I started writing a few years earlier as I was coming to understand myself, my inner feelings towards gender and then using it to work out what I would do with this knowledge in the outside real world.

That particular day 12 years ago went so disastrously wrong and so differently that what I was hoping for.  I have spent uncountable number of hours since reliving and contemplating this day, feeling so much sadness, pain, hate, confusion and doubting myself and what I was really expecting.

I know realize that it was really not realistic for the thoughts and feelings that took me almost 30 years to figure out to be shared and understood in one short afternoon.  I was so hurt from the initial reactions from "your therapist must be filing you with these incorrect ideas" to "are you gay, does that make me gay" to "you are wrong" to some other name calling that I don't want to enumerate.   My partner from that day has since asked for forgiveness of her reaction in our limited conversations since then.

While I have been thinking that I am struggling at not being able to forgive her, in the past few weeks I have started to realize is that the real reason is that I have not forgiven myself.

I have not forgiven myself for the perceived pain I caused her and myself on that day since I was not at the point of true self acceptance.  I have not forgiven myself for the struggles during these past 12 years that at times have results in mental health so bad that I have alarmed others to act on my behalf.  I have not forgiven myself and tried to cut and eliminate this part of my life while being totally obsessed with it at other times.

I have not forgiven myself for having Jaclyn as part of my life.  Not my only part or the shameful part or the hidden part.  Jaclyn is a part of my life at all times like my male part is regardless of the appearance I put on.

I realize that now and I am working on daily affirmations to reassure myself this - " I am not a failure.  I am valuable.  The world is better with me in it".

The question is really what do I do from here to go forward.

I feel like I have in some ways taken a really really long way to get back to the same place I was 12 years ago.  Maybe not, I have many of other experiences and actually I think I am at a better place with my self-assurance and knowledge of what I want.  

All that is left to do is to have the conversation again but this time with strength and self assurance.  I have thought about this and have chickened out so many times - the day after my coming out 12 years ago, after my hospital stays, after talking with others in the community, after so many hours of self contemplation, after .....

Like how much I felt before I need to have that conversation again.  But with compassion and listening to my partner, to not deter my feelings if responses are not what I was hoping for, and with forgiveness for myself for taking so long to get to this point and all the failures before now.

I need to come out again, not as Jaclyn but as myself with many different facets that I don't need to hide or feel ashamed about.  I can't control others reactions or predict what the results will be, but to be true and honest to others and more importantly to myself.

I forgive myself and love myself for who I am.

Push to reach the summit of mount acceptance

 Hello Blog,

This week I am coming up on a date on a calendar that has caused me great angst in the past.  It will be date that I mark the anniversary of my coming out - that is the date that I shared the feelings I had hidden deep inside me about my gender with my family for the first time.

This will be my 12th anniversary of this date, and looking back brings alot of emotions to the surface.  Most of them not very good as my first attempt at coming out was a crash and burn disaster as I have detailed and pined about many many times in this blog.

I remember the reason I started this blog was to try and get an outlet to share my thoughts and build up for that date I would eventually come out.  That was one of those things which in hindsight seems really short sighted and I have used this outlet from time to time for so much more.  Mostly to have a safe place to explore, to scream out the thoughts that I hid deep inside from others, and a place to keep my sanity.

I am preparing for my next treatment session which will occur right before this anniversary, and I am preparing for a specific purpose of this session.  While it is an artificial environment, I am intending to try to force myself to be open and vulnerable and to face the fearsome prospect of accepting myself.  I know that I have been my biggest critic, my biggest foe and destructor trying to protect myself while inflicting so much self harm.  I need to face myself and wage the battle inside my head and finally reach that point of self acceptance that I has been the holy grail I have been searching for.

If I can achieve that, then the next part is to go forward with others.  That is another scary mountain to climb but I can't even start that path until I summit the fear inside of accepting myself and that this is good.

I am Jaclyn and Jaclyn will always be a part of me.